Wisdom from Adoptive Families

https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Adoptive-Families-Challenges-Adoption/dp/1946932035

If:

• you have adopted - reminders of how to get your head above water and probably some 'new-to-you' strategies
• are looking into it - get an idea of what life could look like
• know someone who has or is - get a better perspective on these families and how you can help
• work with these families - get a better understanding of their daily life and strategies to pass on to families you work with

please spend the money and get this book.  It includes many subjects and pulls practical experience/suggestions from 40 families who adopted older children (ours included).  Even if you adopted a younger child, they may have endured trauma and that is the bottom line.

Some of the inclusions:

• international adoption
• adoptive + biological children
• how others can help your family
• finding resources

A time to heal

Each adoption journey is unique, however, many are similar when the initial circumstances and diagnoses are the same.  For kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) stemming from early childhood trauma, the path is painful and rarely successful.  They almost always return to their biological family only to realize nothing has changed.  Everything they have fantasized about will not come true.

What do I mean by successful?  I do not see it as the world does (money, job,etc).  I see it as being able to have real relationships and to the best of your ability do what you can.  Sometimes that means you can hold down a job, but other times it means you have other disabilities that prevent working and instead it is handling yourself and your household duties whether you are in a group home or in a family setting.  

Relationships are at the heart of it, because these kids just cannot have them.  They are pros at surface relationships, but don't dare try to go below the surface.  If someone cannot have a relationship with someone here on earth, due to trust issues,etc, how do they have a relationship with God?  They simply don't.  And for Christian, adoptive moms of RAD kids, it is our ultimate heartache.  God can and does move, but does not force himself on anyone.  RAD kids push and push to see who will stick around.  And many of us reach our limit, or when we try to step back once they are adults, they think we have abandoned them.  They take no responsibility for the outcome, because they live by a double standard.

Our adopted daughter turned 18.  She has always had it in her mind to go back to her biological mom, regardless of her deep anger concerning the trauma.  I try to explain it like a young couple where one cheats on the other.  The only thing they think will take away the pain is if that person came back to them and promised not to do it again because the rejection hurts so incredibly bad.  Same thing.  They need to see that the person who hurt them actually does love them and wants to be with them.  And so after 3 months of switching between psych hospitals and then turning 18, our AD checked herself out and had her mom come pick her up.

It's what we expected all along, but towards the end, AD lied (shocker) and said she didn't want to go there.  She was getting setup in a program and we were making alternate plans for her to be within reasonable distance from us for support, but she couldn't continue to live here after 18.  She made sure of that with her threats and behavior, because then she had an excuse for us to reject her and she could blame us.  

If any of this behavior is sounding familiar to you, as an adult or late teen it is diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  It is real and until circumstances get worse than having to do the work to heal from it, they won't.  Period.  

Unfortunately our AD is text book BPD and so is her mom.  Each day she continues to live in this cycle, she is more entrenched in it.  We can not and will not do anything except pray for them.  Upon meeting face to face, AD had no reaction to her mom.  It was very sad to watch.  It's even more sad to see AD manipulating her family rather than trying to heal.

Two weeks after she left, I got a message from her mom mentioning AD coming back to us.  I didn't call, just said she needs to learn to deal in the moment with her relationships.  If she could really get to the heart of things with her mom, she would be a leap forward in her healing.  Again, I'm sure she saw that as rejection rather than us making the best decision for her.

I have been dealing with the loss of being a mom.  This was my one shot and it did not end well.  We did not get to say goodbye and the last few weeks before her birthday I was under the impression I was going to get to coach her and start a new phase of our relationship.  Obviously not.  
Funny that a little squirt of a dog was dropped to us in July.  He needed a home and when no one else wanted him, he stayed here.  God's timing is amazing.  Three years ago when AD first left for boarding school (because she wanted out of the family), we lost one of our dogs to a house fire and Hope entered our lives.  She brings much comic relief.  And now when AD left for good, Scout entered the picture.  He and Hope are best buds and he loves having a mommy and daddy.  No, it's not the same, but the need to mother is staying in check now.

It is time to let go, get use to not making umpteen decisions a day for her, and move forward.  Quit waiting for the next emergency to arise that I have to take care of.  It will take time, 1-2 years I'm told.  God is there for me, and this is just my time to mourn, but soon it will be my time to dance!

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Swallowing the milk

February is goat baby time here on the farm.  We've had a mild winter, but on the coldest night, our doe Molly gave birth to two little ones.  Not being able to get the first one dried off while birthing the second, the first one did not make it.  The second was very cold and not able to eat when she was found - very near death.

Before you can feed a kid (baby goat), you have to get its body temperature up to normal so the milk won't sour on their stomach.  We put "Maddy" (Madeline) in a cooking bag and submerged her in almost hot water in the tub.  She got warm, we took her out to start drying the wet parts of her off but she got cold.  Again, we put her in a bag and filled a plastic drawer with the water.  Still not quite warm enough and not yet wanting a bottle, we made a burrito out of towels with her in the middle, put a heating pad under her and blew warm air from the hair dryer into it.

Throughout this process, our dog Hope wanted to be with Maddy something terrible.  She cried for her and tried to stay close to her.  She just wanted the little goat for herself.

Finally, she warmed up.  Now it was time for the bottle.  We only had one on hand with a nipple the kids don't usually like.  We had to make her mouth squeeze down to get the milk into her mouth.  She fought us some, but with some honey in the mix, she finally swallowed the milk.

She was still struggling to keep her body temperature normal and it was another cold night, so she stayed in a burrito in our laundry basket.  At 4:25a.m. she was all out squalling for some milk.  She was ready.  So ready in fact, we took her outside to mom.  As with all new kids, she couldn't quite find where to get her milk, but once she did, she emptied momma out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that morning, I shared the insight God gave me about little Maddy with our daughter.  She was found in a very bad situation and her mom could not help her.  We took her into the house and did everything we could, even when we were tired and worn down, to give her the best possible chance to survive on her own.  We didn't take her in to claim her as our own like our dog Hope wanted to.  No, we wanted to help her, get her back to the health she should have had.  And when ready, we took her back to her mother.

Maddy had to do let us help her though, and ultimately, she had to swallow the milk.  She didn't like how she was getting it, but she had to have it to gain her strength.  Without it, she would have died within hours.

I looked our daughter in the eye, "You won't swallow the milk."  Tears filled her eyes for a moment and for just a brief second or two, she got it.  The walls went back up, but at least she understood we didn't take her in to claim her.  We took her in to love her and get her on her feet so she could be healthy when she reunited with her mother.

Father, I pray for healing and ultimate surrender to you for our daughter.  I pray she will one day be healthy enough to have the joy you intended for her.  Please watch over her this next year as she goes out on her own.  May she get some of the milk before she does.  In your name, amen.

"What we wish our friends knew"

We do not experience everything mentioned in this blog post, but the story is ours.  It would be nice to be able to post this so all our friends could read it and understand, but too many would respond as "Janee," the first one to comment.  The comments after hers respond and kind of make up for her....uneducated rant.

So many families are tormented and torn apart by RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and they go through it in silence.  If you know of any families with kids from hard places, remember they are human and not perfect.  Your prayers are coveted by them as they fight to survive.

http://www.thisradmom.com/2014/02/what-we-wish-our-friends-knew.html?m=1

Father, I pray for a blessing on each child from hard places this morning and on each family member that is suffering alongside them.  Amen.

Where is my friend?

My friend of 14 years passed away at the young age of 57 and I didn't even know the cancer was back.  I opened up FB after church and there was a goodbye message her daughter-in-law posted for her.  The pain hit hard and fast.  I kept thinking, "Where is my friend?"

It took her down in 6 short weeks and I didn't have the chance to tell her goodbye.  I will never talk to her again - in this life.  I wanted to see her smile and watch her dish out a delightfully sarcastic response to someone.  I wanted to hug her and I wanted more of her wisdom.

There are few friends we can be ourselves with.  And I mean be our human selves.  She was such a person - incredibly filled with the Lord and incredibly human at the same time.  Described as 'fiesty', I dare say that is an understatement.  I loved this woman and I know she loved me back.  She even posted as much on this blog.

And why was God taking her away from the special needs grandson and his sister she was raising?  How could this be God's will?

Instead of merely agreeing it is God's will, saying He ordained or allowed it, I let myself feel the anger and confusion toward God.  I fully believe he did ordain or allow it, but by feeling my anger and confusion, I was able to start healing much more quickly.  It's been over a week and I still tear up and I still hurt, but God reached hundreds of people through her last weeks.

Below is her message to all of us.  Her parents, like many of her family members, are not Christians.  She flew to Florida and took them an engraved bible.  "Here, this is my testimony.  It's your choice now."

Through this grieving process, I felt God the whole time.  I never doubted He was in control, I was just so darn confused.  And I will not know until heaven what the end plan was, but I know there is a plan and He is orchestrating wonderful things through it.  Use to be, I would let the not knowing really get at me.  But I don't have to know now.  He knows and that is enough.

This is another reason I finally feel like an adult.  Because through pain, I can see and feel Him by my side.  Many trials are yet to come and I won't handle them all in the best way, but He will handle me in the best way.  What else can you ask for?

My friend is in heaven, having a glorious time waiting for us. 

I love you dearly and miss you terribly, my compassionate, funny, tenderhearted yet fiercely protective friend.  I am a better person for having known you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her message:

The best part of this “passing on” process is that I have had plenty of time to get things taken care of and to spend time with my loved ones. It has also been the hardest part. It has allowed me to fully appreciate how big of a hole I am going to be leaving in your lives and it grieves me.

I was so full of bravado when there was hope of a cure but now… I’m feeling kind of low. I thought of making a “see you later” video but I don’t think I can do it without crying. Maybe later I will be calmer. Yeah, I know, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I know I am going on a great adventure soon and it is exciting. I’d love to be able to write you from the other side and let you all know how it is but I don’t think I can (I promise to try). You will have to be satisfied with imagining me doing handsprings down streets of gold and backstrokes in the river of life! And I will be there waiting for you, I promise.

Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through Me“ and “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” He also said, “My Father’s house has many mansions. I go there to prepare a place for you.” This means that I am going to be with God forever, I have been saved because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and He has been working for almost 2000 years building paradise. I can’t even imagine how wonderful it must be!

Take care of each other and love one another and trust God. Everything really will be ok.

I love you.

Have I grown up?

I've experienced some deep, in your heart moments recently.  And finally, I feel I've grown a little and God has shown me a lot.

Someone asked, "When did you feel like an adult?  What age?"  Um, 40 (this year).  That might seem a little odd and it was to me, too.  Why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  I gradually figured it out in the last week or so. 

You see, I'm a people-pleasing perfectionist.  Or...I was/not so much anymore.  A year ago, I started praying "God, give me a heart to love you beyond what is normal."  Beth Moore challenged us to pray this daily at a simulcast and I took her up on it.  And although I was fighting him, he started changing my heart.

As my blog title says, Romans 5:3-5 has been my life verses for many years now.  Hope has been my strong hold.  God can move, surely he will move.  But what happens when he moves in a way that I wasn't expecting?  In addition to hope, I needed a stronger faith.  So a few months ago, I started also praying for God to strengthen my faith.  And when we ask for those things in God's will, he always delivers.

In this faith journey, God showed me that I can step back.  I can step back and let him be Savior to my daughter, I don't have to.  She will make it or not in spite of my exhausting efforts.  The battle is his to be won and it is her choice to make.  Previously divorced, I made a conscious choice not to voice things I needed my current husband to be for me.  I didn't really voice any in my first marriage, but I wanted to take a proactive approach with this marriage - the one that would last.  Instead, I prayed for my husband's walk with the Lord and prayed to be the wife he needs me to be.  As I started praying to be the mom and wife I needed to be and taking care of me, God took care of all of us.  My husband is now the spiritual leader of our home.  A few weeks ago, we built an outdoor chapel together in our woods.  That was amazing!  And when my daughter hit that good spot for 6 weeks, I stood in amazement.

Then I started learning about grace.  I never realized just how incredible grace is.  Maybe I didn't understand true grace because I never really forgave myself for my wrongs.  When my daughter came, I had to be the perfect mother so she would turn out right.  She had been wronged too many times already.  Then I found myself yelling and getting angry over every rejection she had of me.  But God showed me what true grace that I could then extend to myself and to her. 

With my firm foundation of faith, laced with hope, I found peace through grace.  
I have set my focus on God and my relationship with him.  Instead of handing him portions of my life, I'm handing it all to him.  He is in the middle of my marriage, he is knocking on my daughter's door, and I am so very thankful.


"I became more convinced than ever that God finds ways to communicate to those who truly seek God, especially when we lower the volume of the surrounding static." ~Phillip Yancey 
I fully believe this.  There is just way too much static in our lives and God is waiting for us to turn it down and turn to him.

During the "bad" time after my daughter's "good" stint, I was able to be calm (most of the time) and be at peace with the fact she has to want to be happy.  I can't force it on her anymore than God would force salvation on her.  Well, just yesterday, she had a breakthrough at therapy.  Seems she had not forgiven us for something we unknowingly did to her (sent her to camp in the neighboring state).  A light filled her face when she put the puzzle pieces together and forgave us.  It was one of those God moments that you hope for, but just don't know if it will happen any time soon.  She got her joy back.

In this session, she stated she noticed I am different.  I am more 'peppy' as she put it and agreed 'peaceful' was another way to describe it.  For her to see the difference, really spoke to me.  That had a bigger impact than anything I could have told her. 

So why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  Because I focused on every mistake I made instead of on God.  I focused on all the obstacles in my life, instead of on God.  I see life in a new light, his light.  And each day I'm wondering, what incredible weaving will he do with our lives today?

Lord, you are amazing.  You never give up on us and you slowly hone us so it is obvious when we look back and see what you've done.  Thank you for my family and that we have a roof over our heads.  Thank you for using so many avenues to speak to me and show me your way.  And thank you for answering my prayers for faith and a heart to love you beyond what is normal.  Please take my life every day and use it.  Amen.

Pleading for His voice

Since my last post, we had some more 'ups', but then the 'downs' came and that is all we've had for the last few weeks.  I knew it would come, I just didn't expect it so soon.

My anger is back due to the hurt of my daughter's choices, for herself and our family.  And the fog came back.  Have you ever had that fogginess in your brain?  Where nothing makes sense and you can't grasp the meaning of what's going on?  It feels like cobwebs are all around my brain.

I started asking God to change my heart...yet again.  Doesn't he get tired of the same story over and over again?  The preacher stated yesterday, "When you are ready to quit, pray."  So simple, yet full of wonderful truth.  It's not that I haven't been praying, I just haven't been able to see straight for the anger of once again going down the road where my child is not engaged in the least, refuses to put effort into anything (even for herself), and defies even the smallest things we are about.

Then God SPOKE to me this morning.  It's so humbling to know he takes such time when I'm off course to get me back next to Him, snuggled up, so I can get through the day.

The first devotion, which turns out, was not today's, was about anger!  It asked what kindles our anger - righteous indignation or hurt?  For most, it says, we are angry and condemning the sins of others.  Ouch.  The prayer and verse...

"Lord Jesus, your scathing anger was directed against what grieved your holy love.  My anger is often just a reaction to what hurts me.  Help me, Lord, to feel anger only at what needs a does of 'righteous indignation' and action on my part."

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. EPHESIANS 4:31 (NLT)

Then I prayed.  I asked God to show me what I need to do for Him to change my heart.  He brought to mind I have not worshipped with music in several days.  Thank you!  Today I will get my earbuds and praise him as I work and get to that sweet spot of worship where my focus is on Him, and not the circumstances in my home.  Then the anger can subside.

I picked up the 2nd devotional reading.

I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.  I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.  PSALM 69:29-30 (NIV)

Wow!  I'm listening, God!! 
And back to the correct day in my first devotional titled Obedience and Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: "Obedience always leads finally to joy."

"Father in heaven, as Jesus was always in contact with you and obedient to you, help me to be alert for you thoughts and obedient to your commands.Help me to find your joy this day and to share it with others."

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."  PSALM 30:5 (NLT)

Lord, thank you for always being there to guide me no matter my faulty thinking.  I tend to get angry when I am hurt and yet when I hurt you, you show love and compassion.  Thank you for clearing the fog and setting me on a right course.  Please protect my words and actions today no matter the circumstances.  Amen.