Wisdom from Adoptive Families

https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Adoptive-Families-Challenges-Adoption/dp/1946932035

If:

• you have adopted - reminders of how to get your head above water and probably some 'new-to-you' strategies
• are looking into it - get an idea of what life could look like
• know someone who has or is - get a better perspective on these families and how you can help
• work with these families - get a better understanding of their daily life and strategies to pass on to families you work with

please spend the money and get this book.  It includes many subjects and pulls practical experience/suggestions from 40 families who adopted older children (ours included).  Even if you adopted a younger child, they may have endured trauma and that is the bottom line.

Some of the inclusions:

• international adoption
• adoptive + biological children
• how others can help your family
• finding resources

A time to heal

Each adoption journey is unique, however, many are similar when the initial circumstances and diagnoses are the same.  For kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) stemming from early childhood trauma, the path is painful and rarely successful.  They almost always return to their biological family only to realize nothing has changed.  Everything they have fantasized about will not come true.

What do I mean by successful?  I do not see it as the world does (money, job,etc).  I see it as being able to have real relationships and to the best of your ability do what you can.  Sometimes that means you can hold down a job, but other times it means you have other disabilities that prevent working and instead it is handling yourself and your household duties whether you are in a group home or in a family setting.  

Relationships are at the heart of it, because these kids just cannot have them.  They are pros at surface relationships, but don't dare try to go below the surface.  If someone cannot have a relationship with someone here on earth, due to trust issues,etc, how do they have a relationship with God?  They simply don't.  And for Christian, adoptive moms of RAD kids, it is our ultimate heartache.  God can and does move, but does not force himself on anyone.  RAD kids push and push to see who will stick around.  And many of us reach our limit, or when we try to step back once they are adults, they think we have abandoned them.  They take no responsibility for the outcome, because they live by a double standard.

Our adopted daughter turned 18.  She has always had it in her mind to go back to her biological mom, regardless of her deep anger concerning the trauma.  I try to explain it like a young couple where one cheats on the other.  The only thing they think will take away the pain is if that person came back to them and promised not to do it again because the rejection hurts so incredibly bad.  Same thing.  They need to see that the person who hurt them actually does love them and wants to be with them.  And so after 3 months of switching between psych hospitals and then turning 18, our AD checked herself out and had her mom come pick her up.

It's what we expected all along, but towards the end, AD lied (shocker) and said she didn't want to go there.  She was getting setup in a program and we were making alternate plans for her to be within reasonable distance from us for support, but she couldn't continue to live here after 18.  She made sure of that with her threats and behavior, because then she had an excuse for us to reject her and she could blame us.  

If any of this behavior is sounding familiar to you, as an adult or late teen it is diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  It is real and until circumstances get worse than having to do the work to heal from it, they won't.  Period.  

Unfortunately our AD is text book BPD and so is her mom.  Each day she continues to live in this cycle, she is more entrenched in it.  We can not and will not do anything except pray for them.  Upon meeting face to face, AD had no reaction to her mom.  It was very sad to watch.  It's even more sad to see AD manipulating her family rather than trying to heal.

Two weeks after she left, I got a message from her mom mentioning AD coming back to us.  I didn't call, just said she needs to learn to deal in the moment with her relationships.  If she could really get to the heart of things with her mom, she would be a leap forward in her healing.  Again, I'm sure she saw that as rejection rather than us making the best decision for her.

I have been dealing with the loss of being a mom.  This was my one shot and it did not end well.  We did not get to say goodbye and the last few weeks before her birthday I was under the impression I was going to get to coach her and start a new phase of our relationship.  Obviously not.  
Funny that a little squirt of a dog was dropped to us in July.  He needed a home and when no one else wanted him, he stayed here.  God's timing is amazing.  Three years ago when AD first left for boarding school (because she wanted out of the family), we lost one of our dogs to a house fire and Hope entered our lives.  She brings much comic relief.  And now when AD left for good, Scout entered the picture.  He and Hope are best buds and he loves having a mommy and daddy.  No, it's not the same, but the need to mother is staying in check now.

It is time to let go, get use to not making umpteen decisions a day for her, and move forward.  Quit waiting for the next emergency to arise that I have to take care of.  It will take time, 1-2 years I'm told.  God is there for me, and this is just my time to mourn, but soon it will be my time to dance!

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Swallowing the milk

February is goat baby time here on the farm.  We've had a mild winter, but on the coldest night, our doe Molly gave birth to two little ones.  Not being able to get the first one dried off while birthing the second, the first one did not make it.  The second was very cold and not able to eat when she was found - very near death.

Before you can feed a kid (baby goat), you have to get its body temperature up to normal so the milk won't sour on their stomach.  We put "Maddy" (Madeline) in a cooking bag and submerged her in almost hot water in the tub.  She got warm, we took her out to start drying the wet parts of her off but she got cold.  Again, we put her in a bag and filled a plastic drawer with the water.  Still not quite warm enough and not yet wanting a bottle, we made a burrito out of towels with her in the middle, put a heating pad under her and blew warm air from the hair dryer into it.

Throughout this process, our dog Hope wanted to be with Maddy something terrible.  She cried for her and tried to stay close to her.  She just wanted the little goat for herself.

Finally, she warmed up.  Now it was time for the bottle.  We only had one on hand with a nipple the kids don't usually like.  We had to make her mouth squeeze down to get the milk into her mouth.  She fought us some, but with some honey in the mix, she finally swallowed the milk.

She was still struggling to keep her body temperature normal and it was another cold night, so she stayed in a burrito in our laundry basket.  At 4:25a.m. she was all out squalling for some milk.  She was ready.  So ready in fact, we took her outside to mom.  As with all new kids, she couldn't quite find where to get her milk, but once she did, she emptied momma out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that morning, I shared the insight God gave me about little Maddy with our daughter.  She was found in a very bad situation and her mom could not help her.  We took her into the house and did everything we could, even when we were tired and worn down, to give her the best possible chance to survive on her own.  We didn't take her in to claim her as our own like our dog Hope wanted to.  No, we wanted to help her, get her back to the health she should have had.  And when ready, we took her back to her mother.

Maddy had to do let us help her though, and ultimately, she had to swallow the milk.  She didn't like how she was getting it, but she had to have it to gain her strength.  Without it, she would have died within hours.

I looked our daughter in the eye, "You won't swallow the milk."  Tears filled her eyes for a moment and for just a brief second or two, she got it.  The walls went back up, but at least she understood we didn't take her in to claim her.  We took her in to love her and get her on her feet so she could be healthy when she reunited with her mother.

Father, I pray for healing and ultimate surrender to you for our daughter.  I pray she will one day be healthy enough to have the joy you intended for her.  Please watch over her this next year as she goes out on her own.  May she get some of the milk before she does.  In your name, amen.

"What we wish our friends knew"

We do not experience everything mentioned in this blog post, but the story is ours.  It would be nice to be able to post this so all our friends could read it and understand, but too many would respond as "Janee," the first one to comment.  The comments after hers respond and kind of make up for her....uneducated rant.

So many families are tormented and torn apart by RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and they go through it in silence.  If you know of any families with kids from hard places, remember they are human and not perfect.  Your prayers are coveted by them as they fight to survive.

http://www.thisradmom.com/2014/02/what-we-wish-our-friends-knew.html?m=1

Father, I pray for a blessing on each child from hard places this morning and on each family member that is suffering alongside them.  Amen.

Where is my friend?

My friend of 14 years passed away at the young age of 57 and I didn't even know the cancer was back.  I opened up FB after church and there was a goodbye message her daughter-in-law posted for her.  The pain hit hard and fast.  I kept thinking, "Where is my friend?"

It took her down in 6 short weeks and I didn't have the chance to tell her goodbye.  I will never talk to her again - in this life.  I wanted to see her smile and watch her dish out a delightfully sarcastic response to someone.  I wanted to hug her and I wanted more of her wisdom.

There are few friends we can be ourselves with.  And I mean be our human selves.  She was such a person - incredibly filled with the Lord and incredibly human at the same time.  Described as 'fiesty', I dare say that is an understatement.  I loved this woman and I know she loved me back.  She even posted as much on this blog.

And why was God taking her away from the special needs grandson and his sister she was raising?  How could this be God's will?

Instead of merely agreeing it is God's will, saying He ordained or allowed it, I let myself feel the anger and confusion toward God.  I fully believe he did ordain or allow it, but by feeling my anger and confusion, I was able to start healing much more quickly.  It's been over a week and I still tear up and I still hurt, but God reached hundreds of people through her last weeks.

Below is her message to all of us.  Her parents, like many of her family members, are not Christians.  She flew to Florida and took them an engraved bible.  "Here, this is my testimony.  It's your choice now."

Through this grieving process, I felt God the whole time.  I never doubted He was in control, I was just so darn confused.  And I will not know until heaven what the end plan was, but I know there is a plan and He is orchestrating wonderful things through it.  Use to be, I would let the not knowing really get at me.  But I don't have to know now.  He knows and that is enough.

This is another reason I finally feel like an adult.  Because through pain, I can see and feel Him by my side.  Many trials are yet to come and I won't handle them all in the best way, but He will handle me in the best way.  What else can you ask for?

My friend is in heaven, having a glorious time waiting for us. 

I love you dearly and miss you terribly, my compassionate, funny, tenderhearted yet fiercely protective friend.  I am a better person for having known you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her message:

The best part of this “passing on” process is that I have had plenty of time to get things taken care of and to spend time with my loved ones. It has also been the hardest part. It has allowed me to fully appreciate how big of a hole I am going to be leaving in your lives and it grieves me.

I was so full of bravado when there was hope of a cure but now… I’m feeling kind of low. I thought of making a “see you later” video but I don’t think I can do it without crying. Maybe later I will be calmer. Yeah, I know, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I know I am going on a great adventure soon and it is exciting. I’d love to be able to write you from the other side and let you all know how it is but I don’t think I can (I promise to try). You will have to be satisfied with imagining me doing handsprings down streets of gold and backstrokes in the river of life! And I will be there waiting for you, I promise.

Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through Me“ and “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” He also said, “My Father’s house has many mansions. I go there to prepare a place for you.” This means that I am going to be with God forever, I have been saved because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and He has been working for almost 2000 years building paradise. I can’t even imagine how wonderful it must be!

Take care of each other and love one another and trust God. Everything really will be ok.

I love you.

Have I grown up?

I've experienced some deep, in your heart moments recently.  And finally, I feel I've grown a little and God has shown me a lot.

Someone asked, "When did you feel like an adult?  What age?"  Um, 40 (this year).  That might seem a little odd and it was to me, too.  Why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  I gradually figured it out in the last week or so. 

You see, I'm a people-pleasing perfectionist.  Or...I was/not so much anymore.  A year ago, I started praying "God, give me a heart to love you beyond what is normal."  Beth Moore challenged us to pray this daily at a simulcast and I took her up on it.  And although I was fighting him, he started changing my heart.

As my blog title says, Romans 5:3-5 has been my life verses for many years now.  Hope has been my strong hold.  God can move, surely he will move.  But what happens when he moves in a way that I wasn't expecting?  In addition to hope, I needed a stronger faith.  So a few months ago, I started also praying for God to strengthen my faith.  And when we ask for those things in God's will, he always delivers.

In this faith journey, God showed me that I can step back.  I can step back and let him be Savior to my daughter, I don't have to.  She will make it or not in spite of my exhausting efforts.  The battle is his to be won and it is her choice to make.  Previously divorced, I made a conscious choice not to voice things I needed my current husband to be for me.  I didn't really voice any in my first marriage, but I wanted to take a proactive approach with this marriage - the one that would last.  Instead, I prayed for my husband's walk with the Lord and prayed to be the wife he needs me to be.  As I started praying to be the mom and wife I needed to be and taking care of me, God took care of all of us.  My husband is now the spiritual leader of our home.  A few weeks ago, we built an outdoor chapel together in our woods.  That was amazing!  And when my daughter hit that good spot for 6 weeks, I stood in amazement.

Then I started learning about grace.  I never realized just how incredible grace is.  Maybe I didn't understand true grace because I never really forgave myself for my wrongs.  When my daughter came, I had to be the perfect mother so she would turn out right.  She had been wronged too many times already.  Then I found myself yelling and getting angry over every rejection she had of me.  But God showed me what true grace that I could then extend to myself and to her. 

With my firm foundation of faith, laced with hope, I found peace through grace.  
I have set my focus on God and my relationship with him.  Instead of handing him portions of my life, I'm handing it all to him.  He is in the middle of my marriage, he is knocking on my daughter's door, and I am so very thankful.


"I became more convinced than ever that God finds ways to communicate to those who truly seek God, especially when we lower the volume of the surrounding static." ~Phillip Yancey 
I fully believe this.  There is just way too much static in our lives and God is waiting for us to turn it down and turn to him.

During the "bad" time after my daughter's "good" stint, I was able to be calm (most of the time) and be at peace with the fact she has to want to be happy.  I can't force it on her anymore than God would force salvation on her.  Well, just yesterday, she had a breakthrough at therapy.  Seems she had not forgiven us for something we unknowingly did to her (sent her to camp in the neighboring state).  A light filled her face when she put the puzzle pieces together and forgave us.  It was one of those God moments that you hope for, but just don't know if it will happen any time soon.  She got her joy back.

In this session, she stated she noticed I am different.  I am more 'peppy' as she put it and agreed 'peaceful' was another way to describe it.  For her to see the difference, really spoke to me.  That had a bigger impact than anything I could have told her. 

So why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  Because I focused on every mistake I made instead of on God.  I focused on all the obstacles in my life, instead of on God.  I see life in a new light, his light.  And each day I'm wondering, what incredible weaving will he do with our lives today?

Lord, you are amazing.  You never give up on us and you slowly hone us so it is obvious when we look back and see what you've done.  Thank you for my family and that we have a roof over our heads.  Thank you for using so many avenues to speak to me and show me your way.  And thank you for answering my prayers for faith and a heart to love you beyond what is normal.  Please take my life every day and use it.  Amen.

Pleading for His voice

Since my last post, we had some more 'ups', but then the 'downs' came and that is all we've had for the last few weeks.  I knew it would come, I just didn't expect it so soon.

My anger is back due to the hurt of my daughter's choices, for herself and our family.  And the fog came back.  Have you ever had that fogginess in your brain?  Where nothing makes sense and you can't grasp the meaning of what's going on?  It feels like cobwebs are all around my brain.

I started asking God to change my heart...yet again.  Doesn't he get tired of the same story over and over again?  The preacher stated yesterday, "When you are ready to quit, pray."  So simple, yet full of wonderful truth.  It's not that I haven't been praying, I just haven't been able to see straight for the anger of once again going down the road where my child is not engaged in the least, refuses to put effort into anything (even for herself), and defies even the smallest things we are about.

Then God SPOKE to me this morning.  It's so humbling to know he takes such time when I'm off course to get me back next to Him, snuggled up, so I can get through the day.

The first devotion, which turns out, was not today's, was about anger!  It asked what kindles our anger - righteous indignation or hurt?  For most, it says, we are angry and condemning the sins of others.  Ouch.  The prayer and verse...

"Lord Jesus, your scathing anger was directed against what grieved your holy love.  My anger is often just a reaction to what hurts me.  Help me, Lord, to feel anger only at what needs a does of 'righteous indignation' and action on my part."

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. EPHESIANS 4:31 (NLT)

Then I prayed.  I asked God to show me what I need to do for Him to change my heart.  He brought to mind I have not worshipped with music in several days.  Thank you!  Today I will get my earbuds and praise him as I work and get to that sweet spot of worship where my focus is on Him, and not the circumstances in my home.  Then the anger can subside.

I picked up the 2nd devotional reading.

I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.  I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.  PSALM 69:29-30 (NIV)

Wow!  I'm listening, God!! 
And back to the correct day in my first devotional titled Obedience and Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: "Obedience always leads finally to joy."

"Father in heaven, as Jesus was always in contact with you and obedient to you, help me to be alert for you thoughts and obedient to your commands.Help me to find your joy this day and to share it with others."

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."  PSALM 30:5 (NLT)

Lord, thank you for always being there to guide me no matter my faulty thinking.  I tend to get angry when I am hurt and yet when I hurt you, you show love and compassion.  Thank you for clearing the fog and setting me on a right course.  Please protect my words and actions today no matter the circumstances.  Amen.

New life

My last post was 5 weeks ago.  Since then my daughter has had many "growth spurts" spiritually and emotionally.  It's hard to know where to start.

This journey with my daughter has not been easy.  She's been 'stuck' for a couple of years if not all the time she's been home with us.  But almost overnight, she started pulling herself forward.  It's like someone stuck in bubble gum.  For the longest time she just sat there in the midst of pink stickiness.  Then she decided she wanted life outside the goo.  She is pulling against it, snapping back some, but making progress each time she sets out.

The garden metaphor was the launching point.  Then daughter started understanding truths during Sunday night sermons.  She finally believed that God does not hate her.  He loves her no matter what.  She also learned that He will sit back and let her make her own decisions even if they are bad for her, because he does not force salvation.  He desires her heart, not just following rules.
During fire training with my husband, she finally understood the value of rules.  In a fire, if people do it their own way, they could die.  Rules guide you for the best possible outcome. 
Wow, my daughter got all that???  Praise the Lord!

Next...we registered her for camp this summer in Ohio's Amish country.  Going through the camp's website, I found they had retreats that week and the next.  Perfect chance for her and I to go check it out before she goes up with a friend of mine (I will not be able to take off work to take her to camp, so a friend will take her most of the way for me.)  Then I thought, why do we need to go to the retreat?  Let's have a girl's week in Amish country vacationing! 

For those of you unfamiliar with adoptive families, moms are enemy number 1 due to the hurt.  The kids want bio mom's love so bad and fight against getting hurt again and letting go of her.  Daughter and I butt heads more than "normal" families, but to a normal degree for adoptive families of older kids.  So most thought this was a crazy idea.  But as a mom, you have to follow what God is telling you.  You know your child better than anyone.  My daughter was concerned about being 6 hours away from home at a camp she had never been to, and riding there with people she hadn't met.  It was obvious to me (and God) to head out on an adventure and make her feel safe.  The best thing for my daughter was to meet my friend and see the camp with me ahead of time.  We made plans on Tuesday and left the following Monday.

We stopped to visit my friend, H, so daughter could meet her.  She was so nervous outside the house, but was instantly at ease when H answered the door.  After a good visit, we headed on for the last 3.5 hrs of the trip.  It was pouring rain, but still great girl time.  Daughter was soooooo excited when we saw the first buggy.  She was just as enchanted with the Amish as I was on my first trip.  And for 2.5 days her walls were down, she was smiling, and she easily engaged in conversation with me.  It was heaven on earth.  God met us there boldly, letting us know the struggles had been worth it.  He showed us what mother/daughter relationships were supposed to be like.  We had some ups and down the last couple of days, but it was not heartbreaking because we had normal for 2.5 days!!  One of the best parts was the day before we left.  We were in a thrift store and whala!  A section of plain dresses!!  We each purchased 2 Amish dresses. :)  We were in the dressing room together laughing -  truly enjoying ourselves. 

It took almost 4 years for those experiences, but it was worth the 4 years of struggle. 

Then God orchestrated a beautiful bonding from an awfully hard Sunday morning.  After church we asked daughter about Sunday School (same as after every class).  She was bitter and said God has never helped her even though he might have helped us.  Whoa!  We'd spent the day before on a Jeep 4x4 ride, having the best time.  Turns out a friend intentionally hurt her and she found out a boy she really really likes not only didn't like her anymore, but thought she was weird.  The pain of that is so harsh and devestating as a teenager.  But before we found that out, it was just obstinate bitterness.  We kept asking her to tell us and she wouldn't.  Finally, she pointed to her face and I could see she was getting upset.  I walked towards her to hug her and she started crying and came to hug me, too.  We sat on the bed while hubby was in the doorway.  All three of us talked through it all - the hurt, that noone was wrong in this, and how she is unique and needs to celebrate that.  At the end, while I was telling her why her dress looked so nice on her, her friend called.  This friend's family just got a phone, so this was not a normal thing.  God had her call I have no doubt.  And not knowing what happened, just knowing daughter was down, friend said for them to list all the good about daughter.  Amazing!  God's timing was incredible!!  And daughter knew it!  We ended up letting the friend spend the night, on a school night, to let daughter know how awesome it was she trusted us enough to talk through her hurt with us. 

There has been more talking, more laughter, just normal family time.  She said what made the difference was we sat with her.  A couple of weeks prior, I printed out a blog post from an adoptee for her to highlight things she has felt or wanted to happen.  One of the things was that we sit with her, not leaving no matter what she has done. 

We could not have begun to orchestrate this.  God did his thing in his way to make it known he did this for her and for us.  I can't explain what it is like to finally feel like her mother.  Yes, there will be more mountains to climb, but we will make it.  She will make it.  God is telling us so. 

Right now she is outside with 2 friends just being a normal teenager.

In all other circumstances, I've always had hope.  It has waxed and waned with my daughter.  But God made it clear that he is still in control and hope does not disappoint. 

Thank you, Lord, for your love and perfect ways of getting through.  In your name I praise!  Amen.

A flower amongs the weeds

It’s been a hard week with my daughter. 

I started reading The Connected Child’s study guide, and could not answer a question about what flowers were in her garden.  I can tell you every weed, but not the flowers.  After therapy today, I mentioned this to the therapist. 

I asked DD to tell me about her garden.  Giving her time to think about it, she said she didn’t think she had any flowers.  More explanation, then she came up with singing.  She does not do this in front of us, but seems to like it.  How do you water your flower?  She realized she doesn’t.  I told her she is amongst her weeds, satisfied something is there - it’s not a drought.  She starts getting the metaphor.  I explain that I spend so much time pulling her weeds I forget to water my garden and then I get unhappy.  If she would start pulling her weeds, her flowers could grow and I can water mine.  She said, “Maybe if I water this one, another one will grow.”  PRAISE GOD! 

Tomorrow she will put up a tulip with closed petals on her wall.  As she consistently waters, we will put up one with open petals.  Will this be a smooth road?  Not by any means, but it’s imperfect progress.  Thank you, Lord!

After therapy and before this conversation, we went to Lifeway to add to Mother's Day gifts.  She was trying to pick me something out.  Normally Mother's Day is so hard for me and I don't want insincere gifts from her.  My husband gets me something.  But I picked out a mug for my mom, and took the risk of telling her I would like one, too.  She was happy to get me something I liked.  The mug says GRACE on the side, and "My grace is enough; it's all you need." 2 Cor. 12:9 on the inside.

God spoke in such special ways today after such a trying time.  This week I have been asking for him to just fill me with his presence so I could be in the right spirit with her.  He is wonderful!!

Rejoice in our confident hope!

God answers so incredibly. 

Saturday was one of "those" days with our daughter.  But she crossed a new threshold of saying nothing we do will change her behavior or her thoughts.  She has passive-aggressive Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), so to be so blunt and outspoken is a new thing we are seeing.  Normally you just see it in her actions or written across her face.  And now we are trying to determine next steps.  She has been homeschooled for over a year now and the last few months, the grades went from Cs to Ds, to now Fs.  She has refused to do certain projects, etc and gives no effort.  For those thinking we do not discipline, you do not know us well. :)  She was placed with us for the amount of structure and discipline we would provide without coddling her and indulging her as has been her past experience.  When she participates with the family and is adhering to her responsibilities, she gets to do the cool stuff.  When she doesn't give to the family and is "no fun," the family doesn't give extra to her.  This is to teach her that relationships are give and take.  Something we are very concerned about in her adult life.

Hubby and I talked alot yesterday and last night.  I reached out to an online group asking for prayer and very quickly received encouragement.  First a prayer and then the offer for me to contact another RAD mother privately.  Christian RAD mothers are my saving grace.  They get it.  There is no explanation needed and they do not berate you for the mistakes you have made in trying to figure out your child who has had an unthinkable past and therefore a heartbreaking present.  It's so hard to be hopeful for my daughter, but the Lord always brings me back to hope.

I read through Romans 5 last night, then 6, and 7.  It brought me comfort and a better outlook.  I prayed with my palms open to God to take this from me, do His thing.  As always, when I truly give it to Him, a peace came over me. 

This morning I awoke to a reply from this new friend and then I sat to read my devotional.  The prayer and verse at the end were for me.  Yes, God knew when it was printed I would need it this morning. :)

"Lord, so many people around me are in need of prayer! You know, too, how much I am in need of your guidance, courage, and willpower. Help me to pray for others and to be genuinely engaged in prayer."
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ~ Romans 12:12 NLT.

It always comes back to hope for me. 

My husband had suggested I take a long weekend and go somewhere by myself.  3 or 4 days by myself is actually not my ideal.  I would rather spend it with him away from home.  But then I thought I could reach out to a friend to go with me.  Then it hit me I have moved so much and have a habit of not staying in touch that I really didn't have anyone that I've known for years on end I could call and know she would say yes.  This new friend offered to go!  I was so thankful, but did not expect such an offer.  It did, however, give me the courage to reach out to a very good friend and ask if she would like to take a trip.  That is very hard for me to do.  I know people have hectic lives and it's not easy for anyone to get away.  So even if she can't, it's okay.  I took the step and that is huge for me. 

God works on us through trials, as my life verses affirm.  But He knows when times get tough, we get off track and can get overwhelmed, losing sight of His bigger plan.

Thank you, Lord, for being so patient with me and for loving me.  Help me to put all my trust in you, being CONFIDENT in your hope, no matter how tough your pruning is and no matter how hopeless situations may seem. Amen

Proverbs 31 blog post today...AWESOME!

November 27, 2012 Found Hope By Nicki Koziarz

"For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4 (NASB)
We were out of options. The day the Sherriff's car pulled into our driveway, I knew what was coming. After a series of unfortunate events, things had gone from bad to worse to hopeless.
Her friendly, official, sheriff smile did nothing to relieve the emotional discomfort of this dreadful moment. The neighbors peeked through their blinds to see what was happening.
As she handed me the papers, I took them with tears in my eyes.
Looking at the baby in my arms and toddler peeking out from behind me, this kind woman genuinely said, "I'm sorry."
"Thank you," I whispered, as I slowly closed the door.
I sat down on our stairs and read through the official documents. Elaborate lawyer terms, forceful sounding laws I didn't understand, and words bolded in dark ink conveyed the dreadful news; "You must vacate the premises within thirty days."
Foreclosure.
It was unwanted and unavoidable. It felt shameful and embarrassing. And the foreclosure of our home was an aching process of letting go.
The carefully painted mustard-yellow walls: I would miss them so much. How would I survive without the daily afternoon play dates with my neighbor and her children? And what about all those hot dog dinners my husband and I ate to save pennies to buy this sweet home?
So much was about to be taken from us. Just like that.
I didn't understand why God would allow us to walk this humbling road. We had trusted Him, why hadn't He provided?
Any hope I had left in God faded fast. It wasn't something I could muster back up on my own. No, I needed others to fill the gap for me.
In scripture Paul wrote, "For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." (Romans 15:4 NASB)
I learned during this devastating season, when our hearts become grounds of broken dreams, we may need to turn to the hope others have found.
The Bible holds deep historical roots of hope waiting for us to uncover.
We can find hope because ...
Abraham and Sarah found hope by believing while it seemed impossible for them to get pregnant, it was possible for God. (Genesis 15, 17-18)
We can find hope because ...
Ruth and Naomi found hope by moving their lives forward after losing their family. (Ruth 3)
We can find hope because ...
Mary and Martha found hope when they saw Jesus could do anything, including raising their brother from the dead. (John 11)
As I closed the door to our home for the last time, I accepted this place of brokenness. But I also made a choice to find hope no matter what.
I found hope through the eyes of wonder my daughters had as they explored our new rental house. I found hope when my mom helped me unpack our boxes and organize toys. I found hope when my husband's heart drew closer to mine through this difficult experience.
Hope is at the core of who we are as followers of Jesus. As we allow hope to flow into us, it will flow through us even in the most difficult circumstances.
If you feel hopeless in this season of your life, will you look back at those who had hope in Scripture to give you courage to have hope for your future? Hope, it heals our broken dreams.
Dear Lord, thank You for the hope You give us to heal the broken places in our lives. May we have the strength to find hope in all the places that feel hopeless today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
Do you know the God of all hope?
Today on Nicki's blog she has started a hope-inspired challenge! Click here to check it out.
An Untroubled Heart by Micca Campbell
Reflect and Respond:
If you are feeling hopeless, reach out to someone and ask her to share a time where God has given hope.
What is an area in your life you are seeking hope from God? Leave a comment today and let's share our hope struggles.
Power Verses:
1 Peter 1:3, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." (NIV)
Romans 5:5, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (NIV 1984)

Asking for prayer

Good morning, ladies.  I guess I assume no men read this. :0

Today I'm reaching out to you for prayer.  My heart is broken, deeply.  Over the last month or so I've been hit with realities about my daughter.  It came to fruition yesterday.  She is not capable of loving and does not know what a relationship is.  I have to accept the reality that she does not and likely will not ever love us.  This is my only child (too old to have my own), and I cannot go through adoption again. 

We are moving into a different phase of life now.  The phase where we are coaching a child to grasp what a relationship is so that when she leaves in 4 years she has a chance at being successful with others.  Being a coach rather than a parent will help me distance myself and help her.

I have to give my fears over to God and it is so hard.  Why would He allow a child to be abused where it affects her brain's development to the point she cannot love?  How does she ever accept Christ?  I honestly do not know if her mind is to a place where she can clearly see such a decision (I do not think so) or God sees her as a young child that cannot make that decision.  The latter gives me comfort, the former terrifies me.  Her future terrifies me.  How will she be able to hold down a job to pay for a home?  How will she marry and not divorce? 

I know I love this child because I still want her to have joy in her life.  I want her to be normal.  But that is just not possible right now.  Maybe one day her brain will allow it.  I doubted if I loved her because of how much I hurt.  But if I didn't love her, I wouldn't hurt.

Please keep us in your prayers as we seek God's guidance. 

God moments...

For 5 days this past week, I attended an online conference from home.  Saturday and Sunday were each 3 hours and very exhausting, but good exhausting.  By Monday morning, there was a pep in my step and I felt cleansed - cleansed of my mistakes, wrong perspectives, and my general state of being overwhelmed.

I reached out to a friend over email-
I have no idea what's going on in your life right now, but for the past week or so, I've been praying for you. I was making out a new prayer list and God just put it on my heart to put you on it. So I hope today is filled with blessings for you and your family and whatever struggles, great or small, you feel His presence.

My friend wrote back she had been thinking about me as well and about life altering struggles she's been going through for quite some time.  God knew she needed to know others were praying for her even though I didn't know the situation.  I shared my struggles with her and she responded with the same truth I'd learned in the conference over the weekend.  "We can't fix other people."  [The conference used a bandaid to illustrate it.  We are our kids' bandaid.  We can support them and protect them, but we can't fix them.  I guess God knew I needed the message a couple of times.]

Another cool part to this story - we've never met.  We 'met' in a forum and connected over sewing.  And yet God turned a simple friendship into a deep blessing. 

Dear Lord, thank you for your promptings, your lessons, and your blessings.  And thank you for writing such beautiful stories into our lives.  Thank you, Father.  Amen.

On Our Knees

Last night my husband got a fire call as we were going to sleep.  And in case your husband has never gotten one, you don't go to sleep when that happens. :)  I watched the presidential debate and noticed the time going by, making my bed time later and later.  He made it back home and I was trying to settle down so I could finally fall to sleep.

Then a message popped up on Facebook.  A friend had a very real conflict arise and was asking for prayer from me.  I was so honored that she reached out.  And God filled me with this overwhelming desire to fall to my knees in prayer for her, literally. 

I would have gotten on my knees there in our room, but this was a moment between just me and God.  The most private place in our house is our bathroom.  It's about 6' x 6', including the tub.  :)  I squeezed down onto the floor and prayed for their family to be delivered completely from this conflict.  I begged for a hedge of protection around the children.  And I boldly asked God to provide peace to my friend and her husband immediately, to calm them.

I use to not ever actually get on my knees to pray.  But hearing others talk about how they get down and put their face to the floor has been inspiring.  There is something very humbling and powerful when you are getting as low as you can in order to go to the King, the Most High.

Have you gotten on your knees for your family, for a friend in need, anything; and gone boldly to the King?  He is waiting for you to.

When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the Lord above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the Lord, saying, “He is good;his love endures forever.”  2 Chronicles 7:3

Thank you, Lord, for making sure I was awake when the request came.  It didn't sit overnight.  I was able to pray immediately for my friend's situation.  Thank you for the realness of life with you and for being there every single time we call on you.  Please hold this family extra close and protect them from any harm this situation could cause.  Please be with all involved, providing wisdom, honesty, and blessings.  In Your Name, Amen.

"When they see me, do they see you?"

That line from Sidewalk Prophets stops me in my tracks every time.  My daughter is not saved.  Does she see Christ in me or does she see a mad woman?


The last month or so I've had an incredibly hard time keeping my head above water.  I have felt like I was drowning with the storms of life.  And even though I tried to focus on the Lord, I just wasn't coming out of my funk.

Then a chain of events happened...

I went to Beth Moore's Simulcast and felt God right there with me, trying to reach into the dark places where I'm struggling so hard.  Her prayer over each of us was exactly what I didn't know how to pray for myself.  Then I came home and felt defeated quickly, within a day.  However, my prayers started changing.  Instead of asking God to stop the day after day disappointments with my daughter, I asked Him for a new perspective.  Duh, right?  Looking at someone else's situation, I could come to that conclusion, but when we are in the storm, it's just plain hard to see the path.

The next week I took my daughter and her friend to see Francesca Battistelli, Sidewalk Prophets, Andy Cherry, and City Harbor (great new duo).  It was wonderful to see her so happy and engaged.  And every song seemed to speak straight to me.  It strengthened me.  I tried to get lost in their music daily after that.

This past Thursday I was walking the daily mile with my daughter, along our country road through the woods, while listening to uplifting music (one of my favorite things to do).  I was praying and heard the lyrics "your presence is heaven to me."  At that moment, I felt I was walking in heaven.  The sun was coming through the trees like God himself.  I envisioned Christ walking next to me and that's when He revealed a truth to me.  If He was right next to me, He was between me and my daughter.  And if He was between us, I couldn't see her without seeing Him.  I was awestruck. 

God brought my new perspective in a very personal, very real way.  He cares enough to give me what I need in a way that will speak to me deeply and personally. 

Saturday I attended a local women's conference.  The speaker had much more in common with me than I would have ever thought.  She had bitterness from past experiences she had worked through.  She had no biological children, but had adopted.  And had two girls with the same disorder as my daughter.  A disorder that tears families apart and brings mothers to their knees and destroys the children.  This is the first person I met that didn't have that biological bond before having a child with this disorder (in which they usually do not have the ability to truly love).  And she lives less than an hour away.  She was an answer to prayer.  She let me know that I can get through this with God's help, and with others' help even though we are nowhere near the end of the road.  She conveyed that she, too, has days she does not want to get out of bed and face what's going to happen.  It lifted more of the weight of my shoulders to know there is someone so like me, who really knows the feeling of loss.  And she taught me that I have to ask for help, period.  Even when others have busy schedules, I must have a network of people that can help me.

Sunday, the sermon was on peace.  We know it's there, but we let ourselves and the devil steal it and our joy.  Man, I've just plain handed it over to him lately.  Then this morning, two different devotions were on peace.  And this morning I feel more at peace than I have for over a month.  God is in control and He is in charge of her life.  I will make mistakes, but He's got this and He will see me through. 

4 Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  5 Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Phillipians 4:4-9

Beth Moore challenged us to pray that in a few months we won't recognize ourselves.  God will change us into someone we won't recognize.  That is the key.  To get ourselves and our perspective out of the way and let God work.  It's not easy, but He is there no matter what. 

This coming weekend I'm going to Virginia with a group of women for further renewing.  God has given me something weekly so I can be picked up and carried into a better place.  I'm so thankful.

Thank you, Lord, for speaking directly to me and for helping the fog clear.  Help me get past my unworthiness and realize it is about You.  Please keep me close and transform me into a woman I do not recognize.  Amen.

God's timing

Last Saturday I took a long nap and slowly came back awake around 3pm.  By 3:30, I let hubby know I was heading into town (45 mins away).  I was still tired, but just felt to pull to go.  Noone went with me so it was just 'me' time to enjoy.  I headed off to one book store and then another.  And there stood a friend from our previous church (before we moved). 

We had the one of the best talks we've ever had and I had no doubt God constructed a divine meeting.  She encouraged me so much and just simply refreshed me. 

I then searched for a nail salon.  One was in the shopping center and open!  I decided to treat myself to a mani/pedi and sat down in a wonderful chair that beat the heck out of my back.  I loved it!  While relaxing and feeling like God was taking care of me, I met a lady that is on the financial board of a home for girls in Guatemala.  She and her husband recently sold their home on one acre and kept the other 10.  Since they are traveling to Guatemala so much in the next months (he is on the exec board), they are living in the barn.  Yes, the barn.  They have a climate controlled room and a tiled bathroom in it.  They've sold almost everything they own and are living light.  They will look for a home when they get a chance.

When the world would say that they are crazy, I was truly inspired.  They are handing it over to God and giving all of themselves for others.  Are they without problems?  No.  But they are walking with God, following his lead.

I needed a pick-me-up that day and God put two godly women in my path to encourage and inspire me.  Who is he putting in your path?  Whose path is he putting you in?  Don't pass up the opportunites he puts before you, rather grab each one and look for every blessing he wants to give you.

Lord, I thank you for the women you have put in my life.  You know just when I need a touch from them and provide it in your perfect timing.  You are a wonderful Father!  Amen.

Modern day miracles

Have you ever prayed over a long period of time for family members?  Hoping they will find or rekindle their joy in the Lord? 

God works in such mysterious ways.

A few years ago, a man was with his two teenage sons and homeless.  He called his parents and they drove several states to come get them.  The man was sick and had been to the hospital several times and was unable to work due to abdominal pain.  With no insurance and mounting medical bills, it was difficult to get any help.

As time went on, he got more and more sick, with 150+ trips to emergency rooms.  With no insurance, he never could get a steady doctor to determine what all was going on and what to do to get him well.  He'd try to work when he was feeling better, but it never lasted long.  The pain was too great.  And attempts at working, cut off Medicaid.

Finally, he filed for disability. Records were put together and they headed off to court.  The attorney was friends with the judge, but at the last minute, the judge was switched.  Going back into her chambers, they didn't know what to expect.  The mother was waiting in the court room hoping for enough aid to get him back on his feet and with a steady doctor so he could get well and work. 

After 20 minutes or so, they came out and the hearing had been cancelled.  The judge said they didn't have all the right medical records but she knew they were earnest in getting real help.  She set the new hearing for 60 days, told him to get all the records....and she court-ordered a gastroenterologist to do a full workup so they knew exactly what they were dealing with.  Amazing! 

The mother, who had been asking for prayer, said the judge was no doubt an answer to prayer.  If the judge hadn't been switched, the attorney said they would have lost. 

This man and his mother are relatives of mine whom I've been praying for for a long time.  He has had a hard road and not always made the best decisions which in turn has made it difficult on his mother.  But God is in control and letting them both know he loves them.

Thank you, Lord, for letting us know you are in control in every situation.  And thank you for your mysterious ways in giving hope and strengthening faith.  Amen.

Choose Life!

I've been meaning to write this post and got a little busy.  Then a friend was wondering where I'd been.  God reminded me where my focus needed to be...


I was once again reading one of my christian fiction books by Karen Kingsbury.  The woman lost her husband, a firefighter, on 9/11 in NYC.  You see, she was not a christian but he was devoted to God. She had always been terrified a fire would take him away.  But God brought about crazy circumstances to help her through it. 
Her husband left behind a legacy.  He had notes and highlights all through his bible and even messages to his wife.  He also kept a daily journal of his time with God. 

One day she was flipping through Deuteronomy and the verse he marked for her was about choosing life:

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live"
--Deuteronomy 30:19 NIV

She was living in her husband's memory for too long and through this verse, she knew God was telling her to choose life, not death.

Well, the next day, I received Lifeway's ad and in it was Beth Moore's "The Law of Love, Lessons from the Pages of Deuteronomy" bible study.  Hmmm....mere coincidence?  Then I received Klove's daily verse - Deuteronomy 30:20 (yes, the next verse).

NLT - "You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life."

NIV - " and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."

Yes, God, I will go and I will get that bible study on your command!  I will choose the life you have for me, the abundant life that is your plan, and not mine. 

I am now in the process of setting up a schedule for our church women to go through this study.  I do not know what he has in store for us, but I believe it's his plan we do it.


In the time since this happened, I've needed the reminder to choose life.  I tend to lose focus and get bogged down with parenting issues.  But God is faithful to keep reminding me to focus on him and his path.  Thank you, Lord.  Today I choose life!

His way

Have you ever been going along and God does something totally unexpected?  I pray you have.

I was on my way to church last night and I was debating staying - my stomach was not feeling too good.  But I ended up staying and was so glad I did.  We had one of the missionaries fill in for our pastor and he spoke on abundant life/fulfillment.  Just a few weeks before I had told some family members about the abundant life God was showing me.  But the last day didn't feel so abundant.  My husband was mad at me and I just didn't feel the urge to run and apologize.  I knew it was wrong, but wanted to truly be sorry before I apologized. 

My daughter and I headed home and on the way, I saw the same dog on the side of the road I'd seen on the way there.  I was hoping he was sleeping, but I knew he wasn't.  From the house and car where he lived, I figured the owner(s) was older.  A car came up behind me so I kept going.  But something was tugging at me.  The dog was across the road and down a little ways from the house.  There was a large possibility the owners wouldn't see him and would wonder where he was.  I recently wondered for a couple of weeks before deciding a coyote or fox got my young cat.  I didn't want someone else to go through the same wait and see.

So I turned around and pulled into the driveway.  My daughter stayed in the car while I went to the side door.  The front porch had a latch to get to the front door and I didn't want to intrude anymore than I already felt I was.  Gladys came to the front door and I went around.  She smiled, happy to see someone come by.  Then I apologized for the reason I stopped and told her.  Immediately tears welled up and she said that was her husband's dog.  I offered to bring the dog back over to the house and at first she refused, afraid she was inconveniencing me.  But I convinced her to get a trash bag and she also brought out gloves. 

I went and retrieved Snowball, placing him in the side yard.  She then asked me to come wash my hands inside.  As I did, I commented on the southern gospel group she was watching on the t.v.  This lady knew the Lord.  I came out of the bathroom and we started talking.  She was still teary and explained her husband was no longer living, she was a home health nurse and her recent patient had passed, and her niece just had both legs amputated.  She was depressed.  I hugged her and we both agreed God sent me there - to brighten her day with a visit, and to show me I do have time to get to know more people and spend time with them.

As we discussed her husband, I told her about mine.  She told me to live each day to the fullest.  Her husband died 5 weeks after his cancer diagnosis.  God was nudging me to go home and apologize.  As I left, I told Gladys I would bring my daughter back in the next week when we had more time and visit with her.  She was thrilled.

At home, I went in and apologized and my husband's demeanor completely changed.  Then I told him about Gladys.  As I did, I remembered the preacher mentioning the 28-29 widows that live right around the church this past Sunday morning.  And I remembered telling a friend that afternoon I was going to church and maybe God will make me feel guilty enough to apologize. 

I guess God decided we would start ministering now.  And he would put a desire in my heart to apologize.  All in His way.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.    ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, thank you for getting my attention to do what I needed to do.  Thank you for bringing Gladys into my life.  And thank you for doing things your way and not mine.  Amen.

New born foals

Have you ever watched a foal being born in person or on a video?  When the foal stands up for the first time, mama will knock it back down so it does not forget how it got up in the first place.

I believe our struggles are like that.  This past weekend my daughter and I had a wonderful day of girl time - shopping and heading to the library.  It was like we were standing for the first time in a long time.  Then Monday hit - and we got knocked down.  She decided to use her old way of dealing with things and stay down so to speak.  Instead of getting frustrated right along with her, I got back up.  I responded how I should have instead of how I use to.  I kept Saturday in mind, knowing that even though we had a wonderful day, God doesn't promise a bed of roses from here on out.  But He gave me another glimpse of what could be.  He gave me another dose of hope.  He's good that way.

Father, thank you for giving us what we need when we need it, in your perfect timing.  Thank you for making your desires the desires of our heart.  Amen.