A flower amongs the weeds

It’s been a hard week with my daughter. 

I started reading The Connected Child’s study guide, and could not answer a question about what flowers were in her garden.  I can tell you every weed, but not the flowers.  After therapy today, I mentioned this to the therapist. 

I asked DD to tell me about her garden.  Giving her time to think about it, she said she didn’t think she had any flowers.  More explanation, then she came up with singing.  She does not do this in front of us, but seems to like it.  How do you water your flower?  She realized she doesn’t.  I told her she is amongst her weeds, satisfied something is there - it’s not a drought.  She starts getting the metaphor.  I explain that I spend so much time pulling her weeds I forget to water my garden and then I get unhappy.  If she would start pulling her weeds, her flowers could grow and I can water mine.  She said, “Maybe if I water this one, another one will grow.”  PRAISE GOD! 

Tomorrow she will put up a tulip with closed petals on her wall.  As she consistently waters, we will put up one with open petals.  Will this be a smooth road?  Not by any means, but it’s imperfect progress.  Thank you, Lord!

After therapy and before this conversation, we went to Lifeway to add to Mother's Day gifts.  She was trying to pick me something out.  Normally Mother's Day is so hard for me and I don't want insincere gifts from her.  My husband gets me something.  But I picked out a mug for my mom, and took the risk of telling her I would like one, too.  She was happy to get me something I liked.  The mug says GRACE on the side, and "My grace is enough; it's all you need." 2 Cor. 12:9 on the inside.

God spoke in such special ways today after such a trying time.  This week I have been asking for him to just fill me with his presence so I could be in the right spirit with her.  He is wonderful!!

Rejoice in our confident hope!

God answers so incredibly. 

Saturday was one of "those" days with our daughter.  But she crossed a new threshold of saying nothing we do will change her behavior or her thoughts.  She has passive-aggressive Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), so to be so blunt and outspoken is a new thing we are seeing.  Normally you just see it in her actions or written across her face.  And now we are trying to determine next steps.  She has been homeschooled for over a year now and the last few months, the grades went from Cs to Ds, to now Fs.  She has refused to do certain projects, etc and gives no effort.  For those thinking we do not discipline, you do not know us well. :)  She was placed with us for the amount of structure and discipline we would provide without coddling her and indulging her as has been her past experience.  When she participates with the family and is adhering to her responsibilities, she gets to do the cool stuff.  When she doesn't give to the family and is "no fun," the family doesn't give extra to her.  This is to teach her that relationships are give and take.  Something we are very concerned about in her adult life.

Hubby and I talked alot yesterday and last night.  I reached out to an online group asking for prayer and very quickly received encouragement.  First a prayer and then the offer for me to contact another RAD mother privately.  Christian RAD mothers are my saving grace.  They get it.  There is no explanation needed and they do not berate you for the mistakes you have made in trying to figure out your child who has had an unthinkable past and therefore a heartbreaking present.  It's so hard to be hopeful for my daughter, but the Lord always brings me back to hope.

I read through Romans 5 last night, then 6, and 7.  It brought me comfort and a better outlook.  I prayed with my palms open to God to take this from me, do His thing.  As always, when I truly give it to Him, a peace came over me. 

This morning I awoke to a reply from this new friend and then I sat to read my devotional.  The prayer and verse at the end were for me.  Yes, God knew when it was printed I would need it this morning. :)

"Lord, so many people around me are in need of prayer! You know, too, how much I am in need of your guidance, courage, and willpower. Help me to pray for others and to be genuinely engaged in prayer."
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ~ Romans 12:12 NLT.

It always comes back to hope for me. 

My husband had suggested I take a long weekend and go somewhere by myself.  3 or 4 days by myself is actually not my ideal.  I would rather spend it with him away from home.  But then I thought I could reach out to a friend to go with me.  Then it hit me I have moved so much and have a habit of not staying in touch that I really didn't have anyone that I've known for years on end I could call and know she would say yes.  This new friend offered to go!  I was so thankful, but did not expect such an offer.  It did, however, give me the courage to reach out to a very good friend and ask if she would like to take a trip.  That is very hard for me to do.  I know people have hectic lives and it's not easy for anyone to get away.  So even if she can't, it's okay.  I took the step and that is huge for me. 

God works on us through trials, as my life verses affirm.  But He knows when times get tough, we get off track and can get overwhelmed, losing sight of His bigger plan.

Thank you, Lord, for being so patient with me and for loving me.  Help me to put all my trust in you, being CONFIDENT in your hope, no matter how tough your pruning is and no matter how hopeless situations may seem. Amen

Proverbs 31 blog post today...AWESOME!

November 27, 2012 Found Hope By Nicki Koziarz

"For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4 (NASB)
We were out of options. The day the Sherriff's car pulled into our driveway, I knew what was coming. After a series of unfortunate events, things had gone from bad to worse to hopeless.
Her friendly, official, sheriff smile did nothing to relieve the emotional discomfort of this dreadful moment. The neighbors peeked through their blinds to see what was happening.
As she handed me the papers, I took them with tears in my eyes.
Looking at the baby in my arms and toddler peeking out from behind me, this kind woman genuinely said, "I'm sorry."
"Thank you," I whispered, as I slowly closed the door.
I sat down on our stairs and read through the official documents. Elaborate lawyer terms, forceful sounding laws I didn't understand, and words bolded in dark ink conveyed the dreadful news; "You must vacate the premises within thirty days."
Foreclosure.
It was unwanted and unavoidable. It felt shameful and embarrassing. And the foreclosure of our home was an aching process of letting go.
The carefully painted mustard-yellow walls: I would miss them so much. How would I survive without the daily afternoon play dates with my neighbor and her children? And what about all those hot dog dinners my husband and I ate to save pennies to buy this sweet home?
So much was about to be taken from us. Just like that.
I didn't understand why God would allow us to walk this humbling road. We had trusted Him, why hadn't He provided?
Any hope I had left in God faded fast. It wasn't something I could muster back up on my own. No, I needed others to fill the gap for me.
In scripture Paul wrote, "For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." (Romans 15:4 NASB)
I learned during this devastating season, when our hearts become grounds of broken dreams, we may need to turn to the hope others have found.
The Bible holds deep historical roots of hope waiting for us to uncover.
We can find hope because ...
Abraham and Sarah found hope by believing while it seemed impossible for them to get pregnant, it was possible for God. (Genesis 15, 17-18)
We can find hope because ...
Ruth and Naomi found hope by moving their lives forward after losing their family. (Ruth 3)
We can find hope because ...
Mary and Martha found hope when they saw Jesus could do anything, including raising their brother from the dead. (John 11)
As I closed the door to our home for the last time, I accepted this place of brokenness. But I also made a choice to find hope no matter what.
I found hope through the eyes of wonder my daughters had as they explored our new rental house. I found hope when my mom helped me unpack our boxes and organize toys. I found hope when my husband's heart drew closer to mine through this difficult experience.
Hope is at the core of who we are as followers of Jesus. As we allow hope to flow into us, it will flow through us even in the most difficult circumstances.
If you feel hopeless in this season of your life, will you look back at those who had hope in Scripture to give you courage to have hope for your future? Hope, it heals our broken dreams.
Dear Lord, thank You for the hope You give us to heal the broken places in our lives. May we have the strength to find hope in all the places that feel hopeless today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
Do you know the God of all hope?
Today on Nicki's blog she has started a hope-inspired challenge! Click here to check it out.
An Untroubled Heart by Micca Campbell
Reflect and Respond:
If you are feeling hopeless, reach out to someone and ask her to share a time where God has given hope.
What is an area in your life you are seeking hope from God? Leave a comment today and let's share our hope struggles.
Power Verses:
1 Peter 1:3, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." (NIV)
Romans 5:5, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (NIV 1984)

Asking for prayer

Good morning, ladies.  I guess I assume no men read this. :0

Today I'm reaching out to you for prayer.  My heart is broken, deeply.  Over the last month or so I've been hit with realities about my daughter.  It came to fruition yesterday.  She is not capable of loving and does not know what a relationship is.  I have to accept the reality that she does not and likely will not ever love us.  This is my only child (too old to have my own), and I cannot go through adoption again. 

We are moving into a different phase of life now.  The phase where we are coaching a child to grasp what a relationship is so that when she leaves in 4 years she has a chance at being successful with others.  Being a coach rather than a parent will help me distance myself and help her.

I have to give my fears over to God and it is so hard.  Why would He allow a child to be abused where it affects her brain's development to the point she cannot love?  How does she ever accept Christ?  I honestly do not know if her mind is to a place where she can clearly see such a decision (I do not think so) or God sees her as a young child that cannot make that decision.  The latter gives me comfort, the former terrifies me.  Her future terrifies me.  How will she be able to hold down a job to pay for a home?  How will she marry and not divorce? 

I know I love this child because I still want her to have joy in her life.  I want her to be normal.  But that is just not possible right now.  Maybe one day her brain will allow it.  I doubted if I loved her because of how much I hurt.  But if I didn't love her, I wouldn't hurt.

Please keep us in your prayers as we seek God's guidance. 

God moments...

For 5 days this past week, I attended an online conference from home.  Saturday and Sunday were each 3 hours and very exhausting, but good exhausting.  By Monday morning, there was a pep in my step and I felt cleansed - cleansed of my mistakes, wrong perspectives, and my general state of being overwhelmed.

I reached out to a friend over email-
I have no idea what's going on in your life right now, but for the past week or so, I've been praying for you. I was making out a new prayer list and God just put it on my heart to put you on it. So I hope today is filled with blessings for you and your family and whatever struggles, great or small, you feel His presence.

My friend wrote back she had been thinking about me as well and about life altering struggles she's been going through for quite some time.  God knew she needed to know others were praying for her even though I didn't know the situation.  I shared my struggles with her and she responded with the same truth I'd learned in the conference over the weekend.  "We can't fix other people."  [The conference used a bandaid to illustrate it.  We are our kids' bandaid.  We can support them and protect them, but we can't fix them.  I guess God knew I needed the message a couple of times.]

Another cool part to this story - we've never met.  We 'met' in a forum and connected over sewing.  And yet God turned a simple friendship into a deep blessing. 

Dear Lord, thank you for your promptings, your lessons, and your blessings.  And thank you for writing such beautiful stories into our lives.  Thank you, Father.  Amen.

On Our Knees

Last night my husband got a fire call as we were going to sleep.  And in case your husband has never gotten one, you don't go to sleep when that happens. :)  I watched the presidential debate and noticed the time going by, making my bed time later and later.  He made it back home and I was trying to settle down so I could finally fall to sleep.

Then a message popped up on Facebook.  A friend had a very real conflict arise and was asking for prayer from me.  I was so honored that she reached out.  And God filled me with this overwhelming desire to fall to my knees in prayer for her, literally. 

I would have gotten on my knees there in our room, but this was a moment between just me and God.  The most private place in our house is our bathroom.  It's about 6' x 6', including the tub.  :)  I squeezed down onto the floor and prayed for their family to be delivered completely from this conflict.  I begged for a hedge of protection around the children.  And I boldly asked God to provide peace to my friend and her husband immediately, to calm them.

I use to not ever actually get on my knees to pray.  But hearing others talk about how they get down and put their face to the floor has been inspiring.  There is something very humbling and powerful when you are getting as low as you can in order to go to the King, the Most High.

Have you gotten on your knees for your family, for a friend in need, anything; and gone boldly to the King?  He is waiting for you to.

When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the Lord above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the Lord, saying, “He is good;his love endures forever.”  2 Chronicles 7:3

Thank you, Lord, for making sure I was awake when the request came.  It didn't sit overnight.  I was able to pray immediately for my friend's situation.  Thank you for the realness of life with you and for being there every single time we call on you.  Please hold this family extra close and protect them from any harm this situation could cause.  Please be with all involved, providing wisdom, honesty, and blessings.  In Your Name, Amen.

"When they see me, do they see you?"

That line from Sidewalk Prophets stops me in my tracks every time.  My daughter is not saved.  Does she see Christ in me or does she see a mad woman?


The last month or so I've had an incredibly hard time keeping my head above water.  I have felt like I was drowning with the storms of life.  And even though I tried to focus on the Lord, I just wasn't coming out of my funk.

Then a chain of events happened...

I went to Beth Moore's Simulcast and felt God right there with me, trying to reach into the dark places where I'm struggling so hard.  Her prayer over each of us was exactly what I didn't know how to pray for myself.  Then I came home and felt defeated quickly, within a day.  However, my prayers started changing.  Instead of asking God to stop the day after day disappointments with my daughter, I asked Him for a new perspective.  Duh, right?  Looking at someone else's situation, I could come to that conclusion, but when we are in the storm, it's just plain hard to see the path.

The next week I took my daughter and her friend to see Francesca Battistelli, Sidewalk Prophets, Andy Cherry, and City Harbor (great new duo).  It was wonderful to see her so happy and engaged.  And every song seemed to speak straight to me.  It strengthened me.  I tried to get lost in their music daily after that.

This past Thursday I was walking the daily mile with my daughter, along our country road through the woods, while listening to uplifting music (one of my favorite things to do).  I was praying and heard the lyrics "your presence is heaven to me."  At that moment, I felt I was walking in heaven.  The sun was coming through the trees like God himself.  I envisioned Christ walking next to me and that's when He revealed a truth to me.  If He was right next to me, He was between me and my daughter.  And if He was between us, I couldn't see her without seeing Him.  I was awestruck. 

God brought my new perspective in a very personal, very real way.  He cares enough to give me what I need in a way that will speak to me deeply and personally. 

Saturday I attended a local women's conference.  The speaker had much more in common with me than I would have ever thought.  She had bitterness from past experiences she had worked through.  She had no biological children, but had adopted.  And had two girls with the same disorder as my daughter.  A disorder that tears families apart and brings mothers to their knees and destroys the children.  This is the first person I met that didn't have that biological bond before having a child with this disorder (in which they usually do not have the ability to truly love).  And she lives less than an hour away.  She was an answer to prayer.  She let me know that I can get through this with God's help, and with others' help even though we are nowhere near the end of the road.  She conveyed that she, too, has days she does not want to get out of bed and face what's going to happen.  It lifted more of the weight of my shoulders to know there is someone so like me, who really knows the feeling of loss.  And she taught me that I have to ask for help, period.  Even when others have busy schedules, I must have a network of people that can help me.

Sunday, the sermon was on peace.  We know it's there, but we let ourselves and the devil steal it and our joy.  Man, I've just plain handed it over to him lately.  Then this morning, two different devotions were on peace.  And this morning I feel more at peace than I have for over a month.  God is in control and He is in charge of her life.  I will make mistakes, but He's got this and He will see me through. 

4 Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  5 Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Phillipians 4:4-9

Beth Moore challenged us to pray that in a few months we won't recognize ourselves.  God will change us into someone we won't recognize.  That is the key.  To get ourselves and our perspective out of the way and let God work.  It's not easy, but He is there no matter what. 

This coming weekend I'm going to Virginia with a group of women for further renewing.  God has given me something weekly so I can be picked up and carried into a better place.  I'm so thankful.

Thank you, Lord, for speaking directly to me and for helping the fog clear.  Help me get past my unworthiness and realize it is about You.  Please keep me close and transform me into a woman I do not recognize.  Amen.