Where is my friend?

My friend of 14 years passed away at the young age of 57 and I didn't even know the cancer was back.  I opened up FB after church and there was a goodbye message her daughter-in-law posted for her.  The pain hit hard and fast.  I kept thinking, "Where is my friend?"

It took her down in 6 short weeks and I didn't have the chance to tell her goodbye.  I will never talk to her again - in this life.  I wanted to see her smile and watch her dish out a delightfully sarcastic response to someone.  I wanted to hug her and I wanted more of her wisdom.

There are few friends we can be ourselves with.  And I mean be our human selves.  She was such a person - incredibly filled with the Lord and incredibly human at the same time.  Described as 'fiesty', I dare say that is an understatement.  I loved this woman and I know she loved me back.  She even posted as much on this blog.

And why was God taking her away from the special needs grandson and his sister she was raising?  How could this be God's will?

Instead of merely agreeing it is God's will, saying He ordained or allowed it, I let myself feel the anger and confusion toward God.  I fully believe he did ordain or allow it, but by feeling my anger and confusion, I was able to start healing much more quickly.  It's been over a week and I still tear up and I still hurt, but God reached hundreds of people through her last weeks.

Below is her message to all of us.  Her parents, like many of her family members, are not Christians.  She flew to Florida and took them an engraved bible.  "Here, this is my testimony.  It's your choice now."

Through this grieving process, I felt God the whole time.  I never doubted He was in control, I was just so darn confused.  And I will not know until heaven what the end plan was, but I know there is a plan and He is orchestrating wonderful things through it.  Use to be, I would let the not knowing really get at me.  But I don't have to know now.  He knows and that is enough.

This is another reason I finally feel like an adult.  Because through pain, I can see and feel Him by my side.  Many trials are yet to come and I won't handle them all in the best way, but He will handle me in the best way.  What else can you ask for?

My friend is in heaven, having a glorious time waiting for us. 

I love you dearly and miss you terribly, my compassionate, funny, tenderhearted yet fiercely protective friend.  I am a better person for having known you.

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Her message:

The best part of this “passing on” process is that I have had plenty of time to get things taken care of and to spend time with my loved ones. It has also been the hardest part. It has allowed me to fully appreciate how big of a hole I am going to be leaving in your lives and it grieves me.

I was so full of bravado when there was hope of a cure but now… I’m feeling kind of low. I thought of making a “see you later” video but I don’t think I can do it without crying. Maybe later I will be calmer. Yeah, I know, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I know I am going on a great adventure soon and it is exciting. I’d love to be able to write you from the other side and let you all know how it is but I don’t think I can (I promise to try). You will have to be satisfied with imagining me doing handsprings down streets of gold and backstrokes in the river of life! And I will be there waiting for you, I promise.

Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through Me“ and “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” He also said, “My Father’s house has many mansions. I go there to prepare a place for you.” This means that I am going to be with God forever, I have been saved because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and He has been working for almost 2000 years building paradise. I can’t even imagine how wonderful it must be!

Take care of each other and love one another and trust God. Everything really will be ok.

I love you.

Have I grown up?

I've experienced some deep, in your heart moments recently.  And finally, I feel I've grown a little and God has shown me a lot.

Someone asked, "When did you feel like an adult?  What age?"  Um, 40 (this year).  That might seem a little odd and it was to me, too.  Why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  I gradually figured it out in the last week or so. 

You see, I'm a people-pleasing perfectionist.  Or...I was/not so much anymore.  A year ago, I started praying "God, give me a heart to love you beyond what is normal."  Beth Moore challenged us to pray this daily at a simulcast and I took her up on it.  And although I was fighting him, he started changing my heart.

As my blog title says, Romans 5:3-5 has been my life verses for many years now.  Hope has been my strong hold.  God can move, surely he will move.  But what happens when he moves in a way that I wasn't expecting?  In addition to hope, I needed a stronger faith.  So a few months ago, I started also praying for God to strengthen my faith.  And when we ask for those things in God's will, he always delivers.

In this faith journey, God showed me that I can step back.  I can step back and let him be Savior to my daughter, I don't have to.  She will make it or not in spite of my exhausting efforts.  The battle is his to be won and it is her choice to make.  Previously divorced, I made a conscious choice not to voice things I needed my current husband to be for me.  I didn't really voice any in my first marriage, but I wanted to take a proactive approach with this marriage - the one that would last.  Instead, I prayed for my husband's walk with the Lord and prayed to be the wife he needs me to be.  As I started praying to be the mom and wife I needed to be and taking care of me, God took care of all of us.  My husband is now the spiritual leader of our home.  A few weeks ago, we built an outdoor chapel together in our woods.  That was amazing!  And when my daughter hit that good spot for 6 weeks, I stood in amazement.

Then I started learning about grace.  I never realized just how incredible grace is.  Maybe I didn't understand true grace because I never really forgave myself for my wrongs.  When my daughter came, I had to be the perfect mother so she would turn out right.  She had been wronged too many times already.  Then I found myself yelling and getting angry over every rejection she had of me.  But God showed me what true grace that I could then extend to myself and to her. 

With my firm foundation of faith, laced with hope, I found peace through grace.  
I have set my focus on God and my relationship with him.  Instead of handing him portions of my life, I'm handing it all to him.  He is in the middle of my marriage, he is knocking on my daughter's door, and I am so very thankful.


"I became more convinced than ever that God finds ways to communicate to those who truly seek God, especially when we lower the volume of the surrounding static." ~Phillip Yancey 
I fully believe this.  There is just way too much static in our lives and God is waiting for us to turn it down and turn to him.

During the "bad" time after my daughter's "good" stint, I was able to be calm (most of the time) and be at peace with the fact she has to want to be happy.  I can't force it on her anymore than God would force salvation on her.  Well, just yesterday, she had a breakthrough at therapy.  Seems she had not forgiven us for something we unknowingly did to her (sent her to camp in the neighboring state).  A light filled her face when she put the puzzle pieces together and forgave us.  It was one of those God moments that you hope for, but just don't know if it will happen any time soon.  She got her joy back.

In this session, she stated she noticed I am different.  I am more 'peppy' as she put it and agreed 'peaceful' was another way to describe it.  For her to see the difference, really spoke to me.  That had a bigger impact than anything I could have told her. 

So why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  Because I focused on every mistake I made instead of on God.  I focused on all the obstacles in my life, instead of on God.  I see life in a new light, his light.  And each day I'm wondering, what incredible weaving will he do with our lives today?

Lord, you are amazing.  You never give up on us and you slowly hone us so it is obvious when we look back and see what you've done.  Thank you for my family and that we have a roof over our heads.  Thank you for using so many avenues to speak to me and show me your way.  And thank you for answering my prayers for faith and a heart to love you beyond what is normal.  Please take my life every day and use it.  Amen.