Wisdom from Adoptive Families

https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Adoptive-Families-Challenges-Adoption/dp/1946932035

If:

• you have adopted - reminders of how to get your head above water and probably some 'new-to-you' strategies
• are looking into it - get an idea of what life could look like
• know someone who has or is - get a better perspective on these families and how you can help
• work with these families - get a better understanding of their daily life and strategies to pass on to families you work with

please spend the money and get this book.  It includes many subjects and pulls practical experience/suggestions from 40 families who adopted older children (ours included).  Even if you adopted a younger child, they may have endured trauma and that is the bottom line.

Some of the inclusions:

• international adoption
• adoptive + biological children
• how others can help your family
• finding resources

A time to heal

Each adoption journey is unique, however, many are similar when the initial circumstances and diagnoses are the same.  For kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) stemming from early childhood trauma, the path is painful and rarely successful.  They almost always return to their biological family only to realize nothing has changed.  Everything they have fantasized about will not come true.

What do I mean by successful?  I do not see it as the world does (money, job,etc).  I see it as being able to have real relationships and to the best of your ability do what you can.  Sometimes that means you can hold down a job, but other times it means you have other disabilities that prevent working and instead it is handling yourself and your household duties whether you are in a group home or in a family setting.  

Relationships are at the heart of it, because these kids just cannot have them.  They are pros at surface relationships, but don't dare try to go below the surface.  If someone cannot have a relationship with someone here on earth, due to trust issues,etc, how do they have a relationship with God?  They simply don't.  And for Christian, adoptive moms of RAD kids, it is our ultimate heartache.  God can and does move, but does not force himself on anyone.  RAD kids push and push to see who will stick around.  And many of us reach our limit, or when we try to step back once they are adults, they think we have abandoned them.  They take no responsibility for the outcome, because they live by a double standard.

Our adopted daughter turned 18.  She has always had it in her mind to go back to her biological mom, regardless of her deep anger concerning the trauma.  I try to explain it like a young couple where one cheats on the other.  The only thing they think will take away the pain is if that person came back to them and promised not to do it again because the rejection hurts so incredibly bad.  Same thing.  They need to see that the person who hurt them actually does love them and wants to be with them.  And so after 3 months of switching between psych hospitals and then turning 18, our AD checked herself out and had her mom come pick her up.

It's what we expected all along, but towards the end, AD lied (shocker) and said she didn't want to go there.  She was getting setup in a program and we were making alternate plans for her to be within reasonable distance from us for support, but she couldn't continue to live here after 18.  She made sure of that with her threats and behavior, because then she had an excuse for us to reject her and she could blame us.  

If any of this behavior is sounding familiar to you, as an adult or late teen it is diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  It is real and until circumstances get worse than having to do the work to heal from it, they won't.  Period.  

Unfortunately our AD is text book BPD and so is her mom.  Each day she continues to live in this cycle, she is more entrenched in it.  We can not and will not do anything except pray for them.  Upon meeting face to face, AD had no reaction to her mom.  It was very sad to watch.  It's even more sad to see AD manipulating her family rather than trying to heal.

Two weeks after she left, I got a message from her mom mentioning AD coming back to us.  I didn't call, just said she needs to learn to deal in the moment with her relationships.  If she could really get to the heart of things with her mom, she would be a leap forward in her healing.  Again, I'm sure she saw that as rejection rather than us making the best decision for her.

I have been dealing with the loss of being a mom.  This was my one shot and it did not end well.  We did not get to say goodbye and the last few weeks before her birthday I was under the impression I was going to get to coach her and start a new phase of our relationship.  Obviously not.  
Funny that a little squirt of a dog was dropped to us in July.  He needed a home and when no one else wanted him, he stayed here.  God's timing is amazing.  Three years ago when AD first left for boarding school (because she wanted out of the family), we lost one of our dogs to a house fire and Hope entered our lives.  She brings much comic relief.  And now when AD left for good, Scout entered the picture.  He and Hope are best buds and he loves having a mommy and daddy.  No, it's not the same, but the need to mother is staying in check now.

It is time to let go, get use to not making umpteen decisions a day for her, and move forward.  Quit waiting for the next emergency to arise that I have to take care of.  It will take time, 1-2 years I'm told.  God is there for me, and this is just my time to mourn, but soon it will be my time to dance!

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Swallowing the milk

February is goat baby time here on the farm.  We've had a mild winter, but on the coldest night, our doe Molly gave birth to two little ones.  Not being able to get the first one dried off while birthing the second, the first one did not make it.  The second was very cold and not able to eat when she was found - very near death.

Before you can feed a kid (baby goat), you have to get its body temperature up to normal so the milk won't sour on their stomach.  We put "Maddy" (Madeline) in a cooking bag and submerged her in almost hot water in the tub.  She got warm, we took her out to start drying the wet parts of her off but she got cold.  Again, we put her in a bag and filled a plastic drawer with the water.  Still not quite warm enough and not yet wanting a bottle, we made a burrito out of towels with her in the middle, put a heating pad under her and blew warm air from the hair dryer into it.

Throughout this process, our dog Hope wanted to be with Maddy something terrible.  She cried for her and tried to stay close to her.  She just wanted the little goat for herself.

Finally, she warmed up.  Now it was time for the bottle.  We only had one on hand with a nipple the kids don't usually like.  We had to make her mouth squeeze down to get the milk into her mouth.  She fought us some, but with some honey in the mix, she finally swallowed the milk.

She was still struggling to keep her body temperature normal and it was another cold night, so she stayed in a burrito in our laundry basket.  At 4:25a.m. she was all out squalling for some milk.  She was ready.  So ready in fact, we took her outside to mom.  As with all new kids, she couldn't quite find where to get her milk, but once she did, she emptied momma out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that morning, I shared the insight God gave me about little Maddy with our daughter.  She was found in a very bad situation and her mom could not help her.  We took her into the house and did everything we could, even when we were tired and worn down, to give her the best possible chance to survive on her own.  We didn't take her in to claim her as our own like our dog Hope wanted to.  No, we wanted to help her, get her back to the health she should have had.  And when ready, we took her back to her mother.

Maddy had to do let us help her though, and ultimately, she had to swallow the milk.  She didn't like how she was getting it, but she had to have it to gain her strength.  Without it, she would have died within hours.

I looked our daughter in the eye, "You won't swallow the milk."  Tears filled her eyes for a moment and for just a brief second or two, she got it.  The walls went back up, but at least she understood we didn't take her in to claim her.  We took her in to love her and get her on her feet so she could be healthy when she reunited with her mother.

Father, I pray for healing and ultimate surrender to you for our daughter.  I pray she will one day be healthy enough to have the joy you intended for her.  Please watch over her this next year as she goes out on her own.  May she get some of the milk before she does.  In your name, amen.