Swallowing the milk

February is goat baby time here on the farm.  We've had a mild winter, but on the coldest night, our doe Molly gave birth to two little ones.  Not being able to get the first one dried off while birthing the second, the first one did not make it.  The second was very cold and not able to eat when she was found - very near death.

Before you can feed a kid (baby goat), you have to get its body temperature up to normal so the milk won't sour on their stomach.  We put "Maddy" (Madeline) in a cooking bag and submerged her in almost hot water in the tub.  She got warm, we took her out to start drying the wet parts of her off but she got cold.  Again, we put her in a bag and filled a plastic drawer with the water.  Still not quite warm enough and not yet wanting a bottle, we made a burrito out of towels with her in the middle, put a heating pad under her and blew warm air from the hair dryer into it.

Throughout this process, our dog Hope wanted to be with Maddy something terrible.  She cried for her and tried to stay close to her.  She just wanted the little goat for herself.

Finally, she warmed up.  Now it was time for the bottle.  We only had one on hand with a nipple the kids don't usually like.  We had to make her mouth squeeze down to get the milk into her mouth.  She fought us some, but with some honey in the mix, she finally swallowed the milk.

She was still struggling to keep her body temperature normal and it was another cold night, so she stayed in a burrito in our laundry basket.  At 4:25a.m. she was all out squalling for some milk.  She was ready.  So ready in fact, we took her outside to mom.  As with all new kids, she couldn't quite find where to get her milk, but once she did, she emptied momma out.

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Later that morning, I shared the insight God gave me about little Maddy with our daughter.  She was found in a very bad situation and her mom could not help her.  We took her into the house and did everything we could, even when we were tired and worn down, to give her the best possible chance to survive on her own.  We didn't take her in to claim her as our own like our dog Hope wanted to.  No, we wanted to help her, get her back to the health she should have had.  And when ready, we took her back to her mother.

Maddy had to do let us help her though, and ultimately, she had to swallow the milk.  She didn't like how she was getting it, but she had to have it to gain her strength.  Without it, she would have died within hours.

I looked our daughter in the eye, "You won't swallow the milk."  Tears filled her eyes for a moment and for just a brief second or two, she got it.  The walls went back up, but at least she understood we didn't take her in to claim her.  We took her in to love her and get her on her feet so she could be healthy when she reunited with her mother.

Father, I pray for healing and ultimate surrender to you for our daughter.  I pray she will one day be healthy enough to have the joy you intended for her.  Please watch over her this next year as she goes out on her own.  May she get some of the milk before she does.  In your name, amen.

"What we wish our friends knew"

We do not experience everything mentioned in this blog post, but the story is ours.  It would be nice to be able to post this so all our friends could read it and understand, but too many would respond as "Janee," the first one to comment.  The comments after hers respond and kind of make up for her....uneducated rant.

So many families are tormented and torn apart by RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and they go through it in silence.  If you know of any families with kids from hard places, remember they are human and not perfect.  Your prayers are coveted by them as they fight to survive.

http://www.thisradmom.com/2014/02/what-we-wish-our-friends-knew.html?m=1

Father, I pray for a blessing on each child from hard places this morning and on each family member that is suffering alongside them.  Amen.

Where is my friend?

My friend of 14 years passed away at the young age of 57 and I didn't even know the cancer was back.  I opened up FB after church and there was a goodbye message her daughter-in-law posted for her.  The pain hit hard and fast.  I kept thinking, "Where is my friend?"

It took her down in 6 short weeks and I didn't have the chance to tell her goodbye.  I will never talk to her again - in this life.  I wanted to see her smile and watch her dish out a delightfully sarcastic response to someone.  I wanted to hug her and I wanted more of her wisdom.

There are few friends we can be ourselves with.  And I mean be our human selves.  She was such a person - incredibly filled with the Lord and incredibly human at the same time.  Described as 'fiesty', I dare say that is an understatement.  I loved this woman and I know she loved me back.  She even posted as much on this blog.

And why was God taking her away from the special needs grandson and his sister she was raising?  How could this be God's will?

Instead of merely agreeing it is God's will, saying He ordained or allowed it, I let myself feel the anger and confusion toward God.  I fully believe he did ordain or allow it, but by feeling my anger and confusion, I was able to start healing much more quickly.  It's been over a week and I still tear up and I still hurt, but God reached hundreds of people through her last weeks.

Below is her message to all of us.  Her parents, like many of her family members, are not Christians.  She flew to Florida and took them an engraved bible.  "Here, this is my testimony.  It's your choice now."

Through this grieving process, I felt God the whole time.  I never doubted He was in control, I was just so darn confused.  And I will not know until heaven what the end plan was, but I know there is a plan and He is orchestrating wonderful things through it.  Use to be, I would let the not knowing really get at me.  But I don't have to know now.  He knows and that is enough.

This is another reason I finally feel like an adult.  Because through pain, I can see and feel Him by my side.  Many trials are yet to come and I won't handle them all in the best way, but He will handle me in the best way.  What else can you ask for?

My friend is in heaven, having a glorious time waiting for us. 

I love you dearly and miss you terribly, my compassionate, funny, tenderhearted yet fiercely protective friend.  I am a better person for having known you.

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Her message:

The best part of this “passing on” process is that I have had plenty of time to get things taken care of and to spend time with my loved ones. It has also been the hardest part. It has allowed me to fully appreciate how big of a hole I am going to be leaving in your lives and it grieves me.

I was so full of bravado when there was hope of a cure but now… I’m feeling kind of low. I thought of making a “see you later” video but I don’t think I can do it without crying. Maybe later I will be calmer. Yeah, I know, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I know I am going on a great adventure soon and it is exciting. I’d love to be able to write you from the other side and let you all know how it is but I don’t think I can (I promise to try). You will have to be satisfied with imagining me doing handsprings down streets of gold and backstrokes in the river of life! And I will be there waiting for you, I promise.

Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through Me“ and “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” He also said, “My Father’s house has many mansions. I go there to prepare a place for you.” This means that I am going to be with God forever, I have been saved because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and He has been working for almost 2000 years building paradise. I can’t even imagine how wonderful it must be!

Take care of each other and love one another and trust God. Everything really will be ok.

I love you.

Have I grown up?

I've experienced some deep, in your heart moments recently.  And finally, I feel I've grown a little and God has shown me a lot.

Someone asked, "When did you feel like an adult?  What age?"  Um, 40 (this year).  That might seem a little odd and it was to me, too.  Why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  I gradually figured it out in the last week or so. 

You see, I'm a people-pleasing perfectionist.  Or...I was/not so much anymore.  A year ago, I started praying "God, give me a heart to love you beyond what is normal."  Beth Moore challenged us to pray this daily at a simulcast and I took her up on it.  And although I was fighting him, he started changing my heart.

As my blog title says, Romans 5:3-5 has been my life verses for many years now.  Hope has been my strong hold.  God can move, surely he will move.  But what happens when he moves in a way that I wasn't expecting?  In addition to hope, I needed a stronger faith.  So a few months ago, I started also praying for God to strengthen my faith.  And when we ask for those things in God's will, he always delivers.

In this faith journey, God showed me that I can step back.  I can step back and let him be Savior to my daughter, I don't have to.  She will make it or not in spite of my exhausting efforts.  The battle is his to be won and it is her choice to make.  Previously divorced, I made a conscious choice not to voice things I needed my current husband to be for me.  I didn't really voice any in my first marriage, but I wanted to take a proactive approach with this marriage - the one that would last.  Instead, I prayed for my husband's walk with the Lord and prayed to be the wife he needs me to be.  As I started praying to be the mom and wife I needed to be and taking care of me, God took care of all of us.  My husband is now the spiritual leader of our home.  A few weeks ago, we built an outdoor chapel together in our woods.  That was amazing!  And when my daughter hit that good spot for 6 weeks, I stood in amazement.

Then I started learning about grace.  I never realized just how incredible grace is.  Maybe I didn't understand true grace because I never really forgave myself for my wrongs.  When my daughter came, I had to be the perfect mother so she would turn out right.  She had been wronged too many times already.  Then I found myself yelling and getting angry over every rejection she had of me.  But God showed me what true grace that I could then extend to myself and to her. 

With my firm foundation of faith, laced with hope, I found peace through grace.  
I have set my focus on God and my relationship with him.  Instead of handing him portions of my life, I'm handing it all to him.  He is in the middle of my marriage, he is knocking on my daughter's door, and I am so very thankful.


"I became more convinced than ever that God finds ways to communicate to those who truly seek God, especially when we lower the volume of the surrounding static." ~Phillip Yancey 
I fully believe this.  There is just way too much static in our lives and God is waiting for us to turn it down and turn to him.

During the "bad" time after my daughter's "good" stint, I was able to be calm (most of the time) and be at peace with the fact she has to want to be happy.  I can't force it on her anymore than God would force salvation on her.  Well, just yesterday, she had a breakthrough at therapy.  Seems she had not forgiven us for something we unknowingly did to her (sent her to camp in the neighboring state).  A light filled her face when she put the puzzle pieces together and forgave us.  It was one of those God moments that you hope for, but just don't know if it will happen any time soon.  She got her joy back.

In this session, she stated she noticed I am different.  I am more 'peppy' as she put it and agreed 'peaceful' was another way to describe it.  For her to see the difference, really spoke to me.  That had a bigger impact than anything I could have told her. 

So why has it taken so long for me to feel like an adult?  Because I focused on every mistake I made instead of on God.  I focused on all the obstacles in my life, instead of on God.  I see life in a new light, his light.  And each day I'm wondering, what incredible weaving will he do with our lives today?

Lord, you are amazing.  You never give up on us and you slowly hone us so it is obvious when we look back and see what you've done.  Thank you for my family and that we have a roof over our heads.  Thank you for using so many avenues to speak to me and show me your way.  And thank you for answering my prayers for faith and a heart to love you beyond what is normal.  Please take my life every day and use it.  Amen.

Pleading for His voice

Since my last post, we had some more 'ups', but then the 'downs' came and that is all we've had for the last few weeks.  I knew it would come, I just didn't expect it so soon.

My anger is back due to the hurt of my daughter's choices, for herself and our family.  And the fog came back.  Have you ever had that fogginess in your brain?  Where nothing makes sense and you can't grasp the meaning of what's going on?  It feels like cobwebs are all around my brain.

I started asking God to change my heart...yet again.  Doesn't he get tired of the same story over and over again?  The preacher stated yesterday, "When you are ready to quit, pray."  So simple, yet full of wonderful truth.  It's not that I haven't been praying, I just haven't been able to see straight for the anger of once again going down the road where my child is not engaged in the least, refuses to put effort into anything (even for herself), and defies even the smallest things we are about.

Then God SPOKE to me this morning.  It's so humbling to know he takes such time when I'm off course to get me back next to Him, snuggled up, so I can get through the day.

The first devotion, which turns out, was not today's, was about anger!  It asked what kindles our anger - righteous indignation or hurt?  For most, it says, we are angry and condemning the sins of others.  Ouch.  The prayer and verse...

"Lord Jesus, your scathing anger was directed against what grieved your holy love.  My anger is often just a reaction to what hurts me.  Help me, Lord, to feel anger only at what needs a does of 'righteous indignation' and action on my part."

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. EPHESIANS 4:31 (NLT)

Then I prayed.  I asked God to show me what I need to do for Him to change my heart.  He brought to mind I have not worshipped with music in several days.  Thank you!  Today I will get my earbuds and praise him as I work and get to that sweet spot of worship where my focus is on Him, and not the circumstances in my home.  Then the anger can subside.

I picked up the 2nd devotional reading.

I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.  I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.  PSALM 69:29-30 (NIV)

Wow!  I'm listening, God!! 
And back to the correct day in my first devotional titled Obedience and Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: "Obedience always leads finally to joy."

"Father in heaven, as Jesus was always in contact with you and obedient to you, help me to be alert for you thoughts and obedient to your commands.Help me to find your joy this day and to share it with others."

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."  PSALM 30:5 (NLT)

Lord, thank you for always being there to guide me no matter my faulty thinking.  I tend to get angry when I am hurt and yet when I hurt you, you show love and compassion.  Thank you for clearing the fog and setting me on a right course.  Please protect my words and actions today no matter the circumstances.  Amen.

New life

My last post was 5 weeks ago.  Since then my daughter has had many "growth spurts" spiritually and emotionally.  It's hard to know where to start.

This journey with my daughter has not been easy.  She's been 'stuck' for a couple of years if not all the time she's been home with us.  But almost overnight, she started pulling herself forward.  It's like someone stuck in bubble gum.  For the longest time she just sat there in the midst of pink stickiness.  Then she decided she wanted life outside the goo.  She is pulling against it, snapping back some, but making progress each time she sets out.

The garden metaphor was the launching point.  Then daughter started understanding truths during Sunday night sermons.  She finally believed that God does not hate her.  He loves her no matter what.  She also learned that He will sit back and let her make her own decisions even if they are bad for her, because he does not force salvation.  He desires her heart, not just following rules.
During fire training with my husband, she finally understood the value of rules.  In a fire, if people do it their own way, they could die.  Rules guide you for the best possible outcome. 
Wow, my daughter got all that???  Praise the Lord!

Next...we registered her for camp this summer in Ohio's Amish country.  Going through the camp's website, I found they had retreats that week and the next.  Perfect chance for her and I to go check it out before she goes up with a friend of mine (I will not be able to take off work to take her to camp, so a friend will take her most of the way for me.)  Then I thought, why do we need to go to the retreat?  Let's have a girl's week in Amish country vacationing! 

For those of you unfamiliar with adoptive families, moms are enemy number 1 due to the hurt.  The kids want bio mom's love so bad and fight against getting hurt again and letting go of her.  Daughter and I butt heads more than "normal" families, but to a normal degree for adoptive families of older kids.  So most thought this was a crazy idea.  But as a mom, you have to follow what God is telling you.  You know your child better than anyone.  My daughter was concerned about being 6 hours away from home at a camp she had never been to, and riding there with people she hadn't met.  It was obvious to me (and God) to head out on an adventure and make her feel safe.  The best thing for my daughter was to meet my friend and see the camp with me ahead of time.  We made plans on Tuesday and left the following Monday.

We stopped to visit my friend, H, so daughter could meet her.  She was so nervous outside the house, but was instantly at ease when H answered the door.  After a good visit, we headed on for the last 3.5 hrs of the trip.  It was pouring rain, but still great girl time.  Daughter was soooooo excited when we saw the first buggy.  She was just as enchanted with the Amish as I was on my first trip.  And for 2.5 days her walls were down, she was smiling, and she easily engaged in conversation with me.  It was heaven on earth.  God met us there boldly, letting us know the struggles had been worth it.  He showed us what mother/daughter relationships were supposed to be like.  We had some ups and down the last couple of days, but it was not heartbreaking because we had normal for 2.5 days!!  One of the best parts was the day before we left.  We were in a thrift store and whala!  A section of plain dresses!!  We each purchased 2 Amish dresses. :)  We were in the dressing room together laughing -  truly enjoying ourselves. 

It took almost 4 years for those experiences, but it was worth the 4 years of struggle. 

Then God orchestrated a beautiful bonding from an awfully hard Sunday morning.  After church we asked daughter about Sunday School (same as after every class).  She was bitter and said God has never helped her even though he might have helped us.  Whoa!  We'd spent the day before on a Jeep 4x4 ride, having the best time.  Turns out a friend intentionally hurt her and she found out a boy she really really likes not only didn't like her anymore, but thought she was weird.  The pain of that is so harsh and devestating as a teenager.  But before we found that out, it was just obstinate bitterness.  We kept asking her to tell us and she wouldn't.  Finally, she pointed to her face and I could see she was getting upset.  I walked towards her to hug her and she started crying and came to hug me, too.  We sat on the bed while hubby was in the doorway.  All three of us talked through it all - the hurt, that noone was wrong in this, and how she is unique and needs to celebrate that.  At the end, while I was telling her why her dress looked so nice on her, her friend called.  This friend's family just got a phone, so this was not a normal thing.  God had her call I have no doubt.  And not knowing what happened, just knowing daughter was down, friend said for them to list all the good about daughter.  Amazing!  God's timing was incredible!!  And daughter knew it!  We ended up letting the friend spend the night, on a school night, to let daughter know how awesome it was she trusted us enough to talk through her hurt with us. 

There has been more talking, more laughter, just normal family time.  She said what made the difference was we sat with her.  A couple of weeks prior, I printed out a blog post from an adoptee for her to highlight things she has felt or wanted to happen.  One of the things was that we sit with her, not leaving no matter what she has done. 

We could not have begun to orchestrate this.  God did his thing in his way to make it known he did this for her and for us.  I can't explain what it is like to finally feel like her mother.  Yes, there will be more mountains to climb, but we will make it.  She will make it.  God is telling us so. 

Right now she is outside with 2 friends just being a normal teenager.

In all other circumstances, I've always had hope.  It has waxed and waned with my daughter.  But God made it clear that he is still in control and hope does not disappoint. 

Thank you, Lord, for your love and perfect ways of getting through.  In your name I praise!  Amen.

A flower amongs the weeds

It’s been a hard week with my daughter. 

I started reading The Connected Child’s study guide, and could not answer a question about what flowers were in her garden.  I can tell you every weed, but not the flowers.  After therapy today, I mentioned this to the therapist. 

I asked DD to tell me about her garden.  Giving her time to think about it, she said she didn’t think she had any flowers.  More explanation, then she came up with singing.  She does not do this in front of us, but seems to like it.  How do you water your flower?  She realized she doesn’t.  I told her she is amongst her weeds, satisfied something is there - it’s not a drought.  She starts getting the metaphor.  I explain that I spend so much time pulling her weeds I forget to water my garden and then I get unhappy.  If she would start pulling her weeds, her flowers could grow and I can water mine.  She said, “Maybe if I water this one, another one will grow.”  PRAISE GOD! 

Tomorrow she will put up a tulip with closed petals on her wall.  As she consistently waters, we will put up one with open petals.  Will this be a smooth road?  Not by any means, but it’s imperfect progress.  Thank you, Lord!

After therapy and before this conversation, we went to Lifeway to add to Mother's Day gifts.  She was trying to pick me something out.  Normally Mother's Day is so hard for me and I don't want insincere gifts from her.  My husband gets me something.  But I picked out a mug for my mom, and took the risk of telling her I would like one, too.  She was happy to get me something I liked.  The mug says GRACE on the side, and "My grace is enough; it's all you need." 2 Cor. 12:9 on the inside.

God spoke in such special ways today after such a trying time.  This week I have been asking for him to just fill me with his presence so I could be in the right spirit with her.  He is wonderful!!