Good morning, ladies. I guess I assume no men read this. :0
Today I'm reaching out to you for prayer. My heart is broken, deeply. Over the last month or so I've been hit with realities about my daughter. It came to fruition yesterday. She is not capable of loving and does not know what a relationship is. I have to accept the reality that she does not and likely will not ever love us. This is my only child (too old to have my own), and I cannot go through adoption again.
We are moving into a different phase of life now. The phase where we are coaching a child to grasp what a relationship is so that when she leaves in 4 years she has a chance at being successful with others. Being a coach rather than a parent will help me distance myself and help her.
I have to give my fears over to God and it is so hard. Why would He allow a child to be abused where it affects her brain's development to the point she cannot love? How does she ever accept Christ? I honestly do not know if her mind is to a place where she can clearly see such a decision (I do not think so) or God sees her as a young child that cannot make that decision. The latter gives me comfort, the former terrifies me. Her future terrifies me. How will she be able to hold down a job to pay for a home? How will she marry and not divorce?
I know I love this child because I still want her to have joy in her life. I want her to be normal. But that is just not possible right now. Maybe one day her brain will allow it. I doubted if I loved her because of how much I hurt. But if I didn't love her, I wouldn't hurt.
Please keep us in your prayers as we seek God's guidance.
Oh, friend! I am sorry -- what a deep, painful realization for you! I am so sorry and wish that I could give you hugs and love and friendship right now. I will write this down on my prayer list and come back to it regularly -- God is our guide!
ReplyDelete--Shawnee
Thank you, Shawnee. That means so much to me.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, I hadn't listened to this song until this morning. Wow, this is right on.
ReplyDelete"Need You Now (How Many Times)"
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
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ReplyDeleteOH how I miss you! You are such a great encourager. Last night I was listening to Beth Moore's Deuteronomy bible study. Wow. She mentions God taking us out of a place to bring us into where he wants us to be. But sometimes we get stuck in between due to rebellion. The example of course is his people out of Egypt and getting 'stuck' in the wilderness. He will bring us into where he wants us to be. I just need to remind myself daily of that. Habukkuk 2:3 basically says though it seems like forever, wait. His revelation will come. What a promise! Love you, sweet lady.
Delete"Every being is capable of love..." Your child is capable of love... maybe just not at this moment or not n the way you need her to love. As you are a Christian woman you know that we were made in Gods image...and in my explanation God is love. Had I listened to the people who told me I was unable to love and would always be incapable...I think I'd be in pretty rough shape right now. Like your daughter, I didn't love my adoptive parents...and you are SO justified in that pain...but I want you to also remember that love looks different--especially through the eyes of trauma. I know that I am capable of loving because I love my mom and I love my brothers and sisters...the people who hurt me...but I still love them. THe love I love is a different kind of love...and it's taking a long time to figure out that there is a better kind of love...but no one is ever condemned to the out sides of love in which they are not able to love. I'm so sorry for your hurt and pain...just keep trudging... you're gonna make it!!
ReplyDelete